because I have no way of getting this out

It is the end. The end. The end.
I fell in love with a boy.. you all know who he is.
He broke me.
I have to write this down because I have to get it out. I can't tell anyone because I am too embarrassed. Too embarrassed at my stupidity. Too embarrassed at my worthlessness. Too embarrassed that I believed someone could actually love me.
I don't know the person who loved me. I never did. He is one big lie and I will never know all the truth.
He fashioned himself into someone like me. Someone who I thought was my soul mate. Someone who I thought had saved me. Someone who I would have laid down my life for.
The problem was ... it was wrong.
I was scared the whole time... because I knew some things. I knew he was with someone else when I met him. I knew he had two girlfriends . I found out six months into our relationship that he was still seeing her but I blamed myself. I wrote it off as my fault for not being open enough with him. Not showing him how much I needed him. Not showing him enough love. It was my fault for being a bad girlfriend.

After that I believed he had changed. I thought we would be together for ever. It scared me but I loved him passionately and violently. Everything was tooo much. I was scared though. Still scared and my behaviour would show it. I was irrational and crazy... my emotions will always control me. Scared of being trapped scared of not being free... but god did I love him.

I loved him just didn't;t quite know how to get it out.

We would fight. We would fight. We would fight. I would play games. He would play games.
Drama . Drama. Drama. But I thrived on it, it was exciting passionate. I felt alive. It was acting I think that is what he didn't understand.

I thought he loved me. In reality ..for him the behaviour was too much.
He got carried away. And for him everything was too complex to understand.

He was violent. He raped me countless times (I laid it down to passion) . Made me cut myself. Try to take my own life at least three times. Made my family believe he was a nice person. He tried to kill me. He would hit me (yes I hit him too) . Stifled me. Chased me. Possessed me. He was ridiculously jealous and I kept trying to run. But I loved him. Reason is so hard!

We had many nights involving the police. Many  nights involving loosing everything. Being totally irresponsible. He is a drug addict. LAZY. Has no ambition... her pretends too!

He tied me down and every now and the I would run.

Yes I had sex with someone else. I had too . I had too prove my freedom. He said he forgave me. Came running. I thought everything would be ok...

Then there was more police.

He made me ill... or at least he is making me iller.

Then he lied more. He has now been seeing another girl for the last couple of weeks and still denies it. He is incapable of telling thee truth. I find out more and more hurtful things everyday.

I will never be good enough.
I am not good enough.
I am worth nothing.
The END

I still love him
He made me happy.
Please someone give me a magic wand

because this is the end/

white lies

Every one tells lis it is built into our nature as human beings. We all now it is wrong but we all do it... wheteher to make ourselves seem better, cover somthing we are ashamed of, or to make someone else feel better/ stop them from getting hurt... many lies are what we call white. The problem is... lies (even white) normally get found out.

I think th eproblem here is as a human beign we feel a desperation to not get found out, a humiliation at out lie and a need to prove our honesty. The problem is... this makes the hole deeper.
I think it is wise to bury your embarassement and pride and admit your obvious lie. No it doesnt make the lie better but atleast it shows some huimility and can be the start of an apology.