Erin O'Connor ... and the rest.

This is my fourth day of having gastroentoritis and I am finally beginning to feel a little on the better side. I am hardly ever really properly ill (Like really never ever! ... maybe once every 4 years!) so this has come as a pretty big shock and I really was in a bad way. I have been bed bound and not even able to stand up for a couple of days which is horrible as I hate being lazy and un constructive. Tuesday and Wednesday I spent dazed and confused without the energy to even read or watch television and listen to music... A waste of life. I Learn't nothing... apart from how to cope with illness on your own and what being ill feels like. I also have had a bit of  a crisis with my flat as the boiler has broken and today they came round to turn the water off so now I am stuck inside ill.... with no water! At all .. EEEK.
I will have to cope.
Another set of bad news (which I am actually extremely angry about) ... anyone who has been following my blog will know that my relationship with my father has been quite upsetting. I thought things were picking up but I am devastated to find out (through a third party) that my Aunty has breast cancer and I have not been told (even though I ask after her) even though my father has known for quite some time and she has already started chemotherapy. I am devastated. Of course I care about my aunty and my cousins. How could he think it wan;t important for me to know? I feel embarrassed and humiliated that I haven't written or spoken to them about it! I know my father has issues with talking about "bad things" and accepting things are wrong but this id NOT on. . . especially when my eight year old half sister knows and seems to think it is some kind of joke!
  Anyway a bit of random news (although I feel like a bit of a dirty paparazzi!) ... Today I spotted Erin O'Connor in my gym changing rooms! I went on for a shower as mine is not working and there she was preparing for a personal training session looking pretty shy in the corner. Unfortunately I was naked and just jumped in the shower as quickly as possible but it was cool to see her. She definitely is very tall .. and of course very beautiful!
Some pictures including an illustration by David Downton (favourite illustrator of Fairyality)  :

sick

Richey Edwards and why (whatever the reason) this picture is disgusting...

A desperate act like this, however real, is made for the public; to shock and to cause distress, to gain attention and contrive the poor little me image. I am not saying self harm isn't real or that Richey Edwards didn't have a very real problem. A mentally stable person wouldn't do this, let alone do this for the public to see. I am all to aware of self harm. As an eleven  year old in an eating disorder clinic I was thrown into a distressing world where desperate people would slit there hands, necks, stomachs, thighs with anything they could find. I all too really saw with my very own eyes a friend slash chunks of flesh out of her arms "chunks"! and be rushed to hospital. I have felt the pain myself.. all through my teenage years witnessed and felt real real pain. It HURTS.
 The problem is sick people normalise there sickness or even become semi proud of there differences. In a sick world your drastic actions become something to lust after. Not just this it is a way of dealing with the "pain" the self obsessed fucking pain but it is sick it is ill. I have read about Richey he was no fake but the whole world becomes some sort of glamourised cult sick blood bath.
And I have been there... you can't help it but it is some sort of attention seeking thing, not conscious but so fucking sick. Sick for everyone else.
I feel his suffering. I get it. Yet...
I choose to distance myself. I spent my teenage years dealing with my own real problems and encountering my own real worlds. Pro- ana and pro- harm is something I am all too aware of. The destruction, the pure endless, glamorous destruction. I WANT to fit in. I WANT to be something. I AM SICK. THIS IS ME. THIS IS ME. THIS IS SO FUCKING ME THIS FUCKING TORTURED SOUL AND IT IS MY ONLY WAY OUT. I CUT MYSELF LIKE THIS. IT FEELS BETTER. IT FEELS SO FUCKING GOOD. I WANT TO DIE. LOOK AT MY BONES. LOOK AT MY BONES. DON'T LOOK AT MY BONES. IT IS ME. I WANT TO DISAPPEAR. THIS IS ME. I DON'T WANT TO BE ME. I HAVE THIS PROBLEM. IT IS MY LIFE. I AM SICK.
I had enough of it. I chose life. I chose to stop destroying myself. Chose to stop noticing my problems and get on with life. Deal with it.
The problem I have is the cult obsession. The cult leader ship and it is everywhere and it makes me sick. How dare people who don;t understand make judgements or think they no because they don't. How dare people shove this in my face as if it is going to make some sort of difference because it is not. Destruction isn't beautiful or tortured it is all so contrived and all so fake and I am not taking it.
Take it away. Take all this disgusting stuff away. It is there. But GOD don't be so self pitying and selfish and so fucking fucking selfish because you have no idea what you are doing.

4 stone 7 pounds

I eat too much to die
And not enough to stay alive

I'm sitting in the middle waiting
Cheeks sunken and despaired
Days since I last pissed
So gorgeous sunk to six stone
Lose my only remaining home

See my third rib appear
A week later all my flesh disappears
Stretching taut, cling-film on bone
I'm getting better

Kate and Emma and Kristin know it's fake
Karen says I've reached my target weight
Problem is diet's not a big enough word
I wanna be so skinny that I rot from view

I want to walk in the snow
And not leave a footprint
I want to walk in the snow
And not soil its purity
Stomach collapsed at five
Lift up my skirt my sex is gone

Naked and lovely and 5st. 2

May I bud and never flower
My vision's getting blurred
My hands are trembling stalks
But I can see my ribs and I feel fine
And I can feel my breasts are sinking

Mother trys to choke me with roast beef
And sits savouring her sole Ryvitta
But I can change, my cocoon shedding
That's the way you're built my father said

I want to walk in the snow
And not leave a footprint
I want to walk in the snow
And not soil its purity

Kate and Kristin and Kit Kat
All things I like looking at
Choice is skeletal in everybody's life
I choose my choice, I starve to frenzy
Too weak to fuss, too weak to die

Hunger soon passes and sickness soon tires
Legs bend, stockinged I am Twiggy
And I don't mind the horror that surrounds me
Self-worth scatters, self-esteem's a bore
I long since moved to a higher plateau


Just look at the fat scum who pamper me so
This discipline's so rare so please applaud
Yeh 4st. 7, an epilogue of youth
Such beautiful dignity in self-abuse
I've finally come to understand life
Through staring blankly at my navel 

by Manic Street Preachers

Evermore

Yesterday I was lucky enough to go and see the production of Evermore ( the imaginary life of Edgar Allen Poe) by the canadian Catalyst theatre company. A gothic musical it played on te morbid the strange and the twisted.
It focused on doom and death... how we are intrinsically born a character a person whom perhaps we cannot escape from... are we condemmed to our disposition?
Arewe condemmed to our own thoughts trapped in a world that is just as unescapable as a nightmare ..becaue maybe life is a nightmare?
Does it even matter because death is always the end,an inevitable truth.. whether we die of our family codition, crippling mental illness, passion, or disease is death
release that only toments the living and is just the end of a dream for the dead?

fire

i love the summer.
I love heat.
I love sunshine.
i love love.
I love colour.
I love culture.
I love air.
i love music.
i love food.
this is all summer... plus much more
...
i hate being sick.

banned

I am sex obessed... I have been banned from sex
I drink to make myself fel better... I cannot drink
Smoking is an alternative... No cigrettes
Coke keeps me going... No more caffeine

Damn this illness but I need to get better...can I rise to the challenge?
Hopefully I only need a couple of days?
But of course I can... I'm not that bad am I?

seven years

Seven years ago today i was plunged into the mpst horrific reality that probly saved my life. I was iprisoned, scared, helpless. A child who didn't know what was going on. Thrown in to an adult world of fear and madness that I didn't uderstand. How could here have been anythig wrong with me? I was just a girl. What kind of person is saved by a world whch destroys all your control? How do you explain to that child that she needs to get better when she knows she isn't sick. How can you issolate her from her friends and family and take everything she knows away from her. Why? Becasue you love her and you child is dying.
This was my reality. It haunts me but without it seven years on I wold not be the person I am.. I might not even be here.