Miserable lie

It is just feeling so lonely.
Not having someone to fill every moment or just knowing that there is someone there to fill every moment of time with the knowledge that they will always love you.
Alone makes one weak and it is so hard. Well in these moments it is so hard.
I wish the pain didn't start choking my neck and strangling me like barbed wire closing around my breath.
I get this feeling where my lungs wont fill up properly and it is like I am being pushed into the floor and my spine is being pushed up so small and the walls of my body are shutting in.
My eyes well up and I am drowning in uncontrollable tears and anger. So much anger. Anger and terror and hate and hate and hate. Its the hate I can't escape from. Not the love.
It is inly you who makes me feel like this or makes by body react in this way. I used to get it at other things. I used to get upset at other things but now its just you. I wonder what I will do if I ever move on. Maybe I need something to get upset about? But why do I have to hate?
I just want something to fill my time or someone to fix me like a doll but now I am too scared of people.
Blocked out. Who wants it to be easy? Just all of this makes me feel like
my future is something I have to get through.
Just cover your face.
I don't like it anymore.

And it always gets so much worse when I am banned from fucking anything... or when I fuck too much.

Black hole

You fucked your little sister when she was way too young to understand. You sucked her innocence away without warning her or stopping to think that what you were doing would cause her to die and bleed her soul of beauty. Her world went black. She used to cry to the stars because the city was grey but now your thirst had fucked out any last light. Her crimson blood lay tied up in bonds of  dark lies and inky shadowy spectres haunted her hell. She didn't understand how this dark snake had managed to swallow her whole and with your vicious blows digested her truth until she didn't want to know anymore. This black hole is endless and there us no chance of lightness. Tunnels of dark gloom stifle her throat and strangle her joy. The sun in pointless. She had nothing left. No return to life away from your mangled cunt.

I found my inner bitch and ran with her

"I found my inner bitch and ran with her."  (Courtney Love)

That was the longest messiest break-up ever. I hope it is over...

scream

sick

Richey Edwards and why (whatever the reason) this picture is disgusting...

A desperate act like this, however real, is made for the public; to shock and to cause distress, to gain attention and contrive the poor little me image. I am not saying self harm isn't real or that Richey Edwards didn't have a very real problem. A mentally stable person wouldn't do this, let alone do this for the public to see. I am all to aware of self harm. As an eleven  year old in an eating disorder clinic I was thrown into a distressing world where desperate people would slit there hands, necks, stomachs, thighs with anything they could find. I all too really saw with my very own eyes a friend slash chunks of flesh out of her arms "chunks"! and be rushed to hospital. I have felt the pain myself.. all through my teenage years witnessed and felt real real pain. It HURTS.
 The problem is sick people normalise there sickness or even become semi proud of there differences. In a sick world your drastic actions become something to lust after. Not just this it is a way of dealing with the "pain" the self obsessed fucking pain but it is sick it is ill. I have read about Richey he was no fake but the whole world becomes some sort of glamourised cult sick blood bath.
And I have been there... you can't help it but it is some sort of attention seeking thing, not conscious but so fucking sick. Sick for everyone else.
I feel his suffering. I get it. Yet...
I choose to distance myself. I spent my teenage years dealing with my own real problems and encountering my own real worlds. Pro- ana and pro- harm is something I am all too aware of. The destruction, the pure endless, glamorous destruction. I WANT to fit in. I WANT to be something. I AM SICK. THIS IS ME. THIS IS ME. THIS IS SO FUCKING ME THIS FUCKING TORTURED SOUL AND IT IS MY ONLY WAY OUT. I CUT MYSELF LIKE THIS. IT FEELS BETTER. IT FEELS SO FUCKING GOOD. I WANT TO DIE. LOOK AT MY BONES. LOOK AT MY BONES. DON'T LOOK AT MY BONES. IT IS ME. I WANT TO DISAPPEAR. THIS IS ME. I DON'T WANT TO BE ME. I HAVE THIS PROBLEM. IT IS MY LIFE. I AM SICK.
I had enough of it. I chose life. I chose to stop destroying myself. Chose to stop noticing my problems and get on with life. Deal with it.
The problem I have is the cult obsession. The cult leader ship and it is everywhere and it makes me sick. How dare people who don;t understand make judgements or think they no because they don't. How dare people shove this in my face as if it is going to make some sort of difference because it is not. Destruction isn't beautiful or tortured it is all so contrived and all so fake and I am not taking it.
Take it away. Take all this disgusting stuff away. It is there. But GOD don't be so self pitying and selfish and so fucking fucking selfish because you have no idea what you are doing.

4 stone 7 pounds

I eat too much to die
And not enough to stay alive

I'm sitting in the middle waiting
Cheeks sunken and despaired
Days since I last pissed
So gorgeous sunk to six stone
Lose my only remaining home

See my third rib appear
A week later all my flesh disappears
Stretching taut, cling-film on bone
I'm getting better

Kate and Emma and Kristin know it's fake
Karen says I've reached my target weight
Problem is diet's not a big enough word
I wanna be so skinny that I rot from view

I want to walk in the snow
And not leave a footprint
I want to walk in the snow
And not soil its purity
Stomach collapsed at five
Lift up my skirt my sex is gone

Naked and lovely and 5st. 2

May I bud and never flower
My vision's getting blurred
My hands are trembling stalks
But I can see my ribs and I feel fine
And I can feel my breasts are sinking

Mother trys to choke me with roast beef
And sits savouring her sole Ryvitta
But I can change, my cocoon shedding
That's the way you're built my father said

I want to walk in the snow
And not leave a footprint
I want to walk in the snow
And not soil its purity

Kate and Kristin and Kit Kat
All things I like looking at
Choice is skeletal in everybody's life
I choose my choice, I starve to frenzy
Too weak to fuss, too weak to die

Hunger soon passes and sickness soon tires
Legs bend, stockinged I am Twiggy
And I don't mind the horror that surrounds me
Self-worth scatters, self-esteem's a bore
I long since moved to a higher plateau


Just look at the fat scum who pamper me so
This discipline's so rare so please applaud
Yeh 4st. 7, an epilogue of youth
Such beautiful dignity in self-abuse
I've finally come to understand life
Through staring blankly at my navel 

by Manic Street Preachers

On not having a camera.... (and reading)

I just spent the whole of Reading festival whithout a camera... whithout taking a single picture... without stepping back for a second. This is not me!
I am telling you it was hard... I gazed at things loningly... wishing to magic a camera in thin air; a pile of rubbish that looked like a corpse, licking flames, seas of mud, spotty socks.... but to no avail!Thse pictures are stuck in my mind.
I decided uite erly n to not take eithr of my SLR's ..this would be stupid, although, lookingback I feel like nothing woul have happened to them I wouldn;t have been able to mosh to gallows, stand in the rain, roll on the floor... do anything whithout risking my cameras life! I did attempt at taking an old compact camera but it didn; work and after a breaf moment of error I decided to challenge myself and yes I am pleased I survived. Actually, it as probably a good thing for the rest of he world; no enless pictures of me and alex documnting our looks!
On Reading.... Ok it was Reading! nortunatey the ay before I went and the day I went it rained and it fucking poured... I dreaded it..stepping into the mud.. beign continuosly cold, sleepingin a deep brown sludgy mess... and yes was liek this but I had alex to kep me going. I can not explain how lovely it was tosnuggle up in a tent with the person you love knowing that if it wasn't for him you would be hating every second instead of feeling comfortably warm inside.
Reading passed incredily quickly... I flited between tipsy and sober danced, danced, danced.
Highlights would be the incredible Adam Green who's theatricallnes live is unmissable. He as amazing! A "cabaret strokes"... utterly hilarious! Libertines took my breath away! Oh Pete is amazing a absolute genious but one prolem; why is he getting so massively fat? I know it is politically horrible but he is starting to look like he has Down's Syndrome??? Sorry!!!
Arcade Fire where spell binding... everyone was still a total silent audience swept in by their magic. Unfortunately Alex missed them! Being us.. we are bith way too emotional and the tiredness and hunger cret in and Alex freaked out when he couldn't find me and missed the whole set. I feel terrible because they are his favourite and I spent the vast majority of it in silent tears but all is mended apart from the fact that he missed one of the best gigs I have ever been to!
Fools gold and Harlem where lovely... aart fom the ound levls all wrong! Gallows mad! Yes " I ain't know puss and am mental!" I divied into the crow fully attired in roses and threw myself about to my hearts contenet... went down down down and up up up. Caribou my knew favourite band... were good but not as good as at Field Day and The Drums...unfortuantly I would rather not mention them!
I moaned about stid things light heartedley but had a fab time... emotionally it was a rollercoasted but so is my life. Me and Alex were well me and Alex...
unftuantely occasionally we turn into not me and Alex and that is when the problems start... we are determined to changead sort out our ridiculous moods and destructive behaviour. We love each ther more than anything ..unfortunately ocassinally we feel too much! lso unfortuanely we are bith extrememley skinny adn our most notable problem is hunger. Despite stuffing myself with crisps, nuts, chocolate, fruit, sweets, coffee, cheese, chips, chilli, noodles, chicken and crepes... as much food as I could get my hands on... (Plus the alchohol) I still mamaged to loose five pounds in four days and ws constantly starving. I have this problem wher eI just need to eat and eat and eat! Alex on th other had..just an;t be bothered to eat... or gets beligerant and wot.. thisis when our bodies get desperate and we "loose" it. At least we know this....
But hey I had a fab time.. and here is to mud, starvation, smelly toilets, arguments.,spilt drinks. love, tent sex, being lost, overpriced food, over emotions, tiredness, alcohol, fires, sore feet, snuggling, wetness, coldness, talking, dancing and fucking good music!!!

just a case of mild vandelism

and the cat just walked o by...

stability... or the lack of

I wish I wasn't so volatile.. I wis didn't have the ablity to ruin my day.. my week ... my year.
I wish I didn't worry so much. I wish I liked myself. I wish I didn't want to change everything. I wish it didn't affect me so much. I wish I didn't have obsessions. I wish I was sane. I wish I wish I wish....
.... you see
I wish I wasn't me!

sonnet10

For shame! deny that thou bear'st love to any,
Who for thyself art so unprovident.
Grant, if thou wilt, thou art beloved of many,
But that thou none lovest is most evident;
For thou art so possess'd with murderous hate
That 'gainst thyself thou stick'st not to conspire.
Seeking that beauteous roof to ruinate
Which to repair should be thy chief desire.
O, change thy thought, that I may change my mind!
Shall hate be fairer lodged than gentle love?
Be, as thy presence is, gracious and kind,
Or to thyself at least kind-hearted prove:
Make thee another self, for love of me,
That beauty still may live in thine or thee.