i'D NOW at The Red Gallery

You can see the dogs tail...

"Marking over three decades at the forefront of style and culture, i-D will be ‘popping- up’ at London’s Red Gallery this September, showcasing 30 years of historic covers and laying on a feast of interactive events including acoustic performances, fashion shoots, book swaps, dance classes, coffee mornings and more in celebration of i-D NOW."

I think it is worth a look. The retrospective of covers all in one place is really quite impressive. SO many cover stars and so huge from the start. i-D has become a fashion and cultural british BIBLE. It is something we should be proud of. 

  That said.. my favourite part of The Gallery was the cutest Jack Russell...from what I can see he was called i-D. I miss my dog so much!!

Solitude in space

Two people sit in the farthest corner of the bar at The Old Vic. I squeeze myself in to a corner and say nothing. Sunlight streams down through the darkness of the stairwell. I wait. They wait. We wait. Gradually more people drip in faster and faster bustling and filling the space. Initially we distance ourselves. Potentially social beings are too shy in this stark strange daylight to converse in what seems such an unnatural setting. I sit and wonder about the stories, the beings, the reasons.
   It is my own feeling of in sufficiency or an acute awkwardness that holds me away just below the surface - being like this makes me nervous and I can't break the shell. Someone walks up behind me. Asks if the seat is free. I all too coldly and abruptly reply "Oh no that's fine" a contradiction in itself. I feel myself bristle. That tension that I possible imagine floating between everyone - An in security or a sense of competition or a tension that I imagine between everyone - An in security or a sense of competition or a sexual un ease. I am not sure.
  Snippets of peoples conversation still manage to fill the air. Some people - maybe everyone is better at this than me. My awareness pushes me away. I get up and walk out into my own solitude.

On Time and Writers Block

There are fixed points in time when everything changes. It is something that you should get down in words but the words don't explain much. Change is natural. Sometimes it is gradual but the points where they are instant are the only true moments of clarity. When your sure about something. Reason and cosequence. It doesn't mean it won't change again but this shift in the universe means something and it has to mean moving forward. I have been there many before but the constant repetition reaches a breaking point. Writing becomes boring. You have heard it all before. We all have. Trying to get to the actual centre of it all and pinpointing the right phrases is too difficult a task to take on so therefore I don't write. Trying to write creates an itching of the mind because it just isn't coming out in all those complex layers that you want it to. The mind isn't in a sentence. It is confusion and contradiction and conscious and unconscious. A stream of everything and never ever ever ever stops. A waterfall of everything trapped in this small little box. That vast space of thoughts and feelings and urges and longings and emotions all caught up in a little black hole. Communication is a constant struggle. Looking at the sky helps. Standing there with nothing but the world. My face is touching the air. I am in the world. That is what matters.

Tuesday's thoughts whilst waiting

I think you are going to irritate me for the rest of my life. If you stopped maybe I could stop regretting everything to do with you. I understand the irrational behaviour - I am hardly rational myself - but you seem to have no understanding of an end. Everything ends. Or at least changes. There has to be a point when you say no more. Your unintelligence confuses me. Your childishness makes me angry. Only because I know you have the capability of being more than that. Everyone does. Very little "behaviour" makes me angry to a point where I don't understand but your blindness is too hard for me to comprehend. The frustration is frustrating. It has been going on like this for months. You don't change. How can you not change? It isn't funny or a game - how can you refuse your control? Are you really planning on spending your life like this? Because quite frankly it is ridiculous.

                                                                                                                                                                         


Grey floor.
Are they doing everything they can to make me feel uncomfortable?
Waiting games.
Waiting rooms.
I am staring in to space trying to force a source of inspiration.
Smily girl.
Voice doesn't match the face.
Your job must be such a drone.
I wish I wasn't so scared of doctors.
Maybe I would tell them how I feel.
Sometimes I come close.
But I know it's text book.
What is that fake tree doing in the corner?
Honestly - who makes decisions like this?
I just want to get out of here.
I don't care about the chair.
Cloud music isn't helping.
Not that I feel particularly strongly against it.
It is just hilarious that it is such an obvious but failed institutional choice to create a "pleasant" environment.
My life is my own.
The setting annoys me.
Obviously I am having an annoyed day.
Or just pretending to.
At the end of the day I am the one using the service.
It's just waiting to step out into the real world again.
Not that the street is any more real.
But the sky is.

                                                                                                                                                                      


Sometimes I feel like I am the only person in the world that feels right.
Sometimes I feel like I am the only person in the world that feels wrong.
In reality this doesn't matter. Neither is true.
What ever a feeling is it is transient. We will never know what it means.
What it means to feel.

                                                                                                                                                                      


God it must be so awful for you sitting here with your Bible surrounded by all us degenerate sex crazed scum. It just intrigues me. I assume people like you wouldn't be here. Now I want to know why.

On being twenty

Yesterday I turned twenty.
Twenty years of life.
Breathing this air.
I don't know how I feel.
I didn't want to be twenty.
It terrified me.
I panicked and broke down the day before.
I don't really know why.
Probably because my 19th birthday was the best day of my life.
Because twenty isn't a teenager anymore.
Because life goes so fast.
Because everything changes.
Everything is transient.
But this isn't a bad thing.
It is just fear.
I remember everything about the last ten years of my life so clearly and sometimes I don't feel like I have changed at all. I know I have. But i am still that girl.
I still feel stuck like that sometimes.
I hated being a teenager.
Or at least I don't think I was very happy.
I didn't feel at one.
Or like I fitted in.
I hated school.
I spent two years in mental hospital.
I was sick.
I was depressed.
I fell in love.
I fell out of love.
I fell in love again.
I went up and I went down.
I ate.
I didn't eat.
I cried.
I cried.
I smiled.
I laughed.
I became and artist.
I became an actor.
I grew.
I travelled.
I drew.
I screamed.
I shouted a lot.
I hurt things.
I got hurt.
I hurt myself.
I haven't spent a day doing nothing.
Apart from when I was forced.
I was imprisoned by others / I was trapped by myself.
I achieved.
I found myself.
I lost myself.
It keeps on going.
I drunk.
I drunk to much.
Had bad sex.
Good sex.
Used sex.
I made friends.
I lost friends.
I learnt to talk.
I learnt to listen.
I watched the world.
I still do.
I am changing.
And trying to change for the better.
Made rules.
Broke rules.
Challenged myself.
Always challenged myself.
Grew selfish.
Cared about others.

Change is permanent.
Fear is hard to overcome.
The future is in my hands.
Who knows what twenty means.
I had a great day.

Me at twenty

Ever

When am I going to stop crying?
When am I going to stop walking around with a broken heart?
Am I ever going to recover from this?
This is wasting my life.
Good memories are not happy anymore.
Ever.

Midsummer madness

"Why this is very Midsummer Madness."
                                                     William Shakespeare

The weather may be saying differently but we have reached midsummer and suddenly I feel completley different. I feel a bit magical and perfectly at peace. Everything has been a bit grey and maybe it will remain so but something within me has changed.

Look on to the summer and see and feel all the sensations that I can.
Life is good.
Smile.
Now I am free and can take of and fly wherever I want.
I feel like going now. Just going at life.
So much has changed in the last half a year and now I am feeling like it is for the good.
It is exciting.
I think I know how to live again and feel and think and make decisions and go forwards instead of being stuck in the same place.
This is ephemeral, transient but at the moment it is wonderful.
Time will tell.
My time has started again.
My madness is going away again.
This is light.

Museum

In the museum
We stand as RELICS
Watched by those remnants of the past.
Ageless


Priceless
SUBSTANCE


There eyes see so much?
Stone eyes.
Jewel eyes.
Secret eyes.
No eyes.


We are the oddities?
We are categorised and stored.
Our individuality arranged and seen.
Time has been so       long.


These gods and goddesses.
Saints, serephins. Share your secrets...
I wish I could open my eyes and see your stories. Instead I have to
close THEM.
I. We are just flesh.
You live. You see the heart of the world in time.

Choked up

When the lights stop flickering

You are left with nothing but the howling waves and thrashing wind.
The nature is violent but it is where I belong.
Not locked up in this
Caved
Ceiling
Choking
Cell.
Prisoned.


        Prisoned.
                 Prisoned in windows and reflections.


I am locked in the droplets of water you can no longer see because they are engulfed by the storm.
Lost in cracks and crevices
In crumbling walls.
Keep walking down the tunnel.


Keep on walking.
There is NO END






This water will have you trapped.


She is not doing it on purpose but in this desolate place it is so easy to get sucked up into time.
Time that you can’t put your finger on because it goes back further than the beginning of the universe.
Start before the ancient myth began.
Poseiden didn’t exist without the sprays that she controls.
I laugh.


I laugh.


I laugh at you.


I laugh out of pity because it is all held inside her heart.
She can’t.
          I can’t even understand because the re-incarnation of her history hasn’t come into play yet.
I know something.
But not everything.

The lock on the truth is fear.


She haunts your eyes.
Her eyes haunt you.
Her eyes are haunted.


Her power is lost in her frail body.
The scream too strong.
Screaming wind is too choked up inside her chest - her limbs - her head .
Dancing. Jerking. Swaying.
Stillness.
Beat upon beat upon beat upon beat
Drum
Drum
Death
Drum.

This life is ephemeral but the truth transcendent.
In this dark room I remember the white light of the past.
Another time when she looked with different eyes.
On different things.
Different bodies.
Different minds.
Different fragile hearts.
The thing is - You want to save her.
She doesn’t need saving.

That is you.

Things have changed

Things have changed
Past still there
But futures different
Looking at you sleeping
Doesn't feel quite right
Not that I don't love you
It is just I'm not sure I care.
A year older.
I feel like I have aged.
The lights aren't turn on
Just the electricity is dim
Skies aren't silver
Not the warmth from within.
I'd lay down my life to protect you my child.
No more earthquakes and stars in the sky.
Life is too short to ask myself why?
It is not that I am running
I love you I do
But life is to great and living too fast
I can't take the chains
My heart is too free
Don't say I am weak
Forever in your arms
My mind grounded
My wings in the stars.

Brief Time. . . No description involved.

Some moments don't seem to fit.

The happening is so stark that your body hits a block and shudders reaching a flash of light or falls in a fiery frozen flush.Just the briefest time spent with someone and their single action effects your soul with so much meaning.

Stranger singing is no abnormality.

No shock in the voice. It is the coincidence that is so consequential. Voices are eternal. Half the time I don't know what the breath is saying even if the sounds are full of meaning. It does't mean anything. The distance is too great.

Displacement from a particular setting is the disturbing item.
I can't describe what I heard even though I am sure you will find the sounds familiar. It was the timing that mattered and that is far gone. Lost in the past.

One has to ask is this an omen?

Chains

Pulsing tendon holding and churning
Chords of freedom we cannot break
Chains binding our wrists
our ankles
Our hearts
Our minds.
Wrapped together in discordant harmony
Pulling - a futile effort wrapped in the ties that are there.
Precious metal gripping bondage dreams.
Time is useless
Time apart - isn't real.
Hearts of human steal
Yet hearts so real
You know what you did
No words are necessary yet you need to scream them from your lungs.
You broke something
But you can't break these ropes of fire that bind my blood and keep my mind alive.

Both twisted and struck and pulled at these chains
Stabbing heart.
Stabbing blood.
What disastrous torment we caused ourselves in this immature mess!
These chains don't break
Chains of choice but not chains of meaning
They are just there holding us in some god forsaken purgatory
Pull apart and spring back together
Twist and turn
blood bound
mind bound
body bound
heart bound
soul bound binds
Don't break.
Don't break.
Don't break.
No escape.

The end of 2010..the beginning of 2011

As 2010 draws to a close it is time to reflect and note dn a few memories or special times, special people..
Some highlights...

• The beginning of th year started with the death of my Grandma. It was a horribly sad time but she will be remembered forever. I have many great memories and she was the best, loveliest Grandma ever.
• A lovely valentines day wih a trip to the Aquariam and a meal... believe it or not the first time I uttered the words I love you... now i say it all the time and have had the best (mostly) year with Wolfie. 2011 will be the start of our second year together and there should be many more to come. He saved my life.
• Finishing Art Foundationat CSM and having a fantastic end of year exhibition...developing as an artist.
• Being accepted onto BAFine Art and starting it.
• A wonderful birthday in Regents Park and The Rainforest Cafe
• Taking part in an exhibition on Brick Lane... "Something at the Rag Factory"
• Internship for The White Cube making art for Kiefer.
• A wonderful day for Wolfie's birthday at London Zoo (the second this year)
• Mothers day with both our mums (mine  and Wolfie)
• Lion King at the theatre with my dad, kate and Lulu... the second time.
• Foals with Ed and Foals with Wolfie.
• Peter Pan, Shun-Kin and The Imaginary Life of Edgar Allen Poe at the barbican theatre.
• The Monster Ball with Lady Gaga, getting engaged to Wolfie and staying in a hotel.
• Engagement tattoos
• Caribou and more at Field Day
• Arriving at Reading pouringwith rain bt being able to hae a tent with Wolfie.
• Most of Reading! minus the breakdowns! Libertines, Caribou, Arcade Fire, The Drums, Adam Green
• Adam Green at The Troxy and more...
• An amazing holiday with my Mum Sister and Wolfie in Andalucia.... Caves, Bullfight...Running into the sea at night naked!
• Crash exhibition at the Gargosian
• Surrealist house exhibition
• Show studio exhibition
• Starting rehersals for the play Rhinoceros
• Going  to see my old theatre company in Guildford with "Charlie's Empire"
• "The man who fell to earth" in a grotty pub on commercial street
• A meal for my mums birthday with my sister
• Joining  the best gym ever!
• Mine and Wolfies year anniversary and All Stars Meal
• Protesting for education
• Snow
• The best christmas ever!
• Many nights at forty winks
• Many Parties
• Many people
• Many adventures

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
xxxx

travel...

I dont think the tube is part of this world...

so it has been a year....

and a fast one at that... but "by george" a great one!
I LOVE Alex all the world and will do forever. Our relationship is not understoo by many- the way we work, the way we seem, our morals, what we seem to care about but I think ayone who comes in to our contact knows we work as a team and are always there for each other. We have done some mental things in the past year.. some good, some very very bad!
But hell we have to live.
To be honest the prospect of a year scares me and I still run away but I have made a commitment and I just need Alex to remind me of that.
Anyway I love you ... I love you... I love you.
Best friend
Brother
Lover

here are a few pictures from the very beginning...

one week down...

Ok so this week I officially started my "degree" and I can say it has been an odd one...
I haven't relly done much or at least much that excites me but I guess that is down to the necessary introductions, formalities, boring tours and everything NOT to do with the course.
I got my timetable ... which is a bit of a shocker! I literally have 9 till 5 days nearly every day which I am going to find VERY VERY hard. I have not been in full time education since I was 14 and defenately not been able to commit to anything like this so the prospect is daunting. I tend to like to have time to do my own thing. Unfortunately my life does not amalgamate of one really important passion: ART!!!
Yes I am happy to be doing this degree but there are many things I don't want to sacrifice... ALEX(I can do this!)!!!!! excersise, sleep, partying... me time (away from people because yes, I find them HARD!). At the end of the day the only thing i would sacrifice these things for would be drama... but hey! I guess I will have to find a way of managing my time and one things for sure... I won't give up!
I must admit I have been pretty wobbly and taking it out on my loved ones but believe me the are there for me and I can not thank WOLFIE enough. . . really do treat him like shit sometimes and hs retun is pretty selfless :) "thank you... and my roses are beautiful!"
Anyway... all I have really done in terms of ART is had a group tutorial/crit and I must say my peers and tutors are brilliant I wouldn;t be suprised if some absolutely phenomenal stuff comes out of us. I had to go first infront of a group of people I didn't know which was pretty nerve wracking to say the least. We were meant to bring and work we did oer the summer in (which they hadn't told us to do!!) and I chose some paintings, some photographs and words and some performance based photographs (which incedentley wre partly on my blog) that I had done a coupl of weeks back. I like this work but you can;t escape that at the end of the day that I'm naked in these photos and, well, it is a little embarassing. Anyway we established that my current obsessions/ themes are mainly surrounding love/ physical/ and transcedence. It excites me that I can carry this on and the crit went really well and everyone seemed to like my work. My tutor said it was very exciting and she seemed really tuned in to my thinking and loved the fact that I was cross media ... stemming in to performance, word, 3D ... everything.
I havesome philosophers on love to check out which is great!
Anyway just a few questions I have to think about...
1. When do I use what mode of "practise" and why?
2. Am I outside or inside my work (depending on practise) and is this to do with myself or he theme?

first day of the next three years of my life...

Ok so here it begins. The first day of my BA Fine Art degree at CSM. How do I feel?
.... I will be honest:
1. I have been excited for a ver long time at the prospect.
2. Lucky
3. . . but I must say it has suddenly hit me... I am incredibly scared of being trapped into something of not being free and at the end of the day shit ..three more year of a system.
4. Scared at how much my life/ I may change affecting important aspects of my life.
5. Happy to be being an artist.
6. Intrigued as to what this journey will involve.
7. Prepared to work hard.
8. Looking forward to meeting amazing people.
9. Worried about money.
10. Worried about time.
11. Fear at not succeeding.
12. Tired.
13. Hating the rain.

.... but here goes all I can really say is live my life.

somehow indestructable....

10 months...

... ths photo pretty much sums up our relationship !!!
GOOD TIMES!!!!

time

Sometimes I am scared that m life is passing me by and no mater how much I try to fill it up I am missing out or living the wrong thing, the wrong time, feeling wrong.
I get so caught up in what could be, what could have been trying to change things or face up to them... it gets so I don;t even know what I am doing anymore. I don;tknow whether I am myself or somethng different? Do these flashing lights mean something? Is time just another constraint .. not becuase it vanishes but becase we know it does? I think I fight against my feelings because I am scared of the end result but if I am so sure in fate then maye I shouldn't .. I just can't take life ot of my hands but I don't trust myself with time.

exhausted

Need To Stop EVERYTHING.

shut down.

sleep.

I seem to have a never ending barrage of things to do, problems and emotions.

Emotions being the most tiring. It makes your head tired.

I wish I was born a beautiful princess and could be sleeping beauty.

Then one day I could wake up in a fairytale and everything would be happy ever after..

and guess what?

Princesses don't get tired.

.... but on with life.. a nother couple of hours of painting, washing and then out to party. If you can't sleep keep burning...

(ignore that this is zac effron) ( if that is even how you spell his name?)