FAITH IN THIS THING WE CALL ART

Monday, 13 June 2011

Ever, Ever...

"All the mistakes I've ever made in my life have been when I've been drunk. I haven't made hardly any mistakes sober, ever, ever."
Tracy Emin

Sunday, 12 June 2011

Guilt

Filling the void

Putting yourself in danger

Sucking your soul dry

Time for change?

Or is this just starvation?

Am I guilty or just making myself feel guilty?

Guilty... of self destruction.

All the endless possibilities of what could have happened. Just to know. Can someone tell me what fucking happened. Because it is the chance of it not being ok that is killing me. I am not that desperate. I just want love too much. Real fucking your in it can't live without it love. That is why I am dead.

Black box

Maybe if we had stayed inside the black box where we found ourselves in the beginning, or at least returned there, we could loose our perception of reality and live with out fear. Not being able to see but feeling you smile. Who knows where it ends. Just keep on walking and listen to the children laugh. The black box is where it began. Where my sense of sight was numbed but I knew myself. You knew yourself. Or maybe neither knew anything but it didn't matter because all that could survive was blind innocence. When ones eyes are switched off and the boundaries of space are lifted who knows when to stop. No wrong can be done in a black box. Darkness. Pitch black darkness. Can you see the way through with your mind? I just wanted to cling to you and know that nobody knew or cared. If we stayed in that black box would we be free?

The question of classical (and other points)...

I have been having bad luck this week. BAD LUCK. I lost my I Phone on wednesday (failed again) and woke up yesterday morning to find my bike had been trashed (yet again). Generally I have been feeling gloomy. It is the rain ... and the need to fill the "void" the "Love Void"///SAD BUT TRUE. Just general greyness.. leading to self destruction. That sort of thing. Any way ..moving on. I am not going to mope. I feel this way but I would rather look to the future. However confusing it is.. there is always something.
Turn my life around. Go for it girl. You have so much going for you. you just need a rest.
Yesterday I booked tickets for a concert of Mozart's Idanameo (his first opera) courtesy once again of the Barbican free - b. I do not normally go for the classical music concerts. Not for any particular reason ( I grew up playing the cello and in actual fact I think some classical music is bloody fantastic... listening to an orchestra live is the ultimate experience in having music wash over you. I always likes it... I think it is just that thing of it not being cool.. or a different class. The opera is a different class? Not that I know why. What makes listening to sopranos more "cultured" than watching Eastenders? Really it is just snobbery. . . and down to upbringing / personal taste... trying things out.
Anyway unfortunately the bike issue caused a bit of a problem. It was another thing on the big list of bad luck. "I can't take this anymore! I can't take this anymore! " Melo - drama appears. Why am I so god-damn melodramatic? ... I guess I enjoy it.
Anyway it is bad luck. I use my bike all the time and I am not made of money. The decision came to buy a new folding bike and store it inside... I have.. It is pretty and hopefully will .. well work. No more trashed bike.
Back to the opera. It was rather beautiful really. Orchestras are funny. You see them all bobbing up and down and the conductor standing there attempting to embody the music but you can't help but get swept away. The story was a classic. A story of war, Greek mythology, neptune, the sea, love, death and sacrifice. Much like my life really. Melo dramatic, suicidal and desperately emotional. How could I not enjoy it? In fact I think being an opera singer would be my perfect job.
It was good.. certainly the applause showed it was good. Traditional (although not staged) and simple (apart from the sub -titles which were rather humorous... if not distracting!) Most of all though.. it is good to experience life. Try out everything. Fill your days with time. Fill your days with music. All music. Listen to the world. That is what I have to say.
And as for the bike situation.. hopefully the wrath of the gods to me is over.. and if it hadn't got trashed yesterday I wouldn't have been able to ride back home in the middle of the night on a Boris bike. I was laughing and wobbling all the way!