BP Portrait Award 2011

Paintings are mostly lost on me. Portraits confuse me. Generally I am more drawn to photography and film as a medium. Painting is a skill. A skill I don't have. Or maybe it is a patience I don't have?
If I could and loved it.. I probably would paint more.
I am not sure how they pick these portraits, it must be a mammoth challenge? Some I like. Some I don't.
"Holly" the second prize winner I thought was beautiful.
I was also surprised to see a familiar face hanging on the wall. That of David Carter. The thing about seeing a painted portrait of someone is that it has some kind of authority and grandeur that you don;t link with people you might actually know face to face... even though Mr Carter is more than GRAND!
I would go see... It's interesting because we forget where art comes from. We forget there are still artists painting portraits and self training and artists from all over the world just loving there craft and wanting it to be seen. Whatever you think of the painted portrait. This is good. And I love people, I think any portrait is a celebration of this.

"HOLLY" by Louis Smith.. described by the Independent's Jonathon Jones as "a retro-academic soft- porn fantasy" (and in a good way)  is definitely my favourite. 

Ever, Ever...

"All the mistakes I've ever made in my life have been when I've been drunk. I haven't made hardly any mistakes sober, ever, ever."
                            Tracy Emin

Girl Interrupted

How much will you choose to indulge in your flaws? What are you flaws? Are they even flaws at all?

Addiction

I am addicted to sex.
I am addicted to love.
I am addicted to being loved.
I am addicted to people.
I am addicted to exercise.
I am addicted to alcohol.
I am addicted to parties.
I am addicted to sleep.
I am addicted to routine.
I am addicted to drama.
I am addicted to emotion.
I am addicted to control.
I am addicted to destruction.
I am addicted to you.
I am addicted to me.

Some of these are more abstract than others.
Some are more serious.
They all play with each other.
Maybe this means things are better... Addiction with compromise?

I don't know.
It is hard.

YES

I am no longer going to say NO to anything. I am going to do EVERYTHING. I am going to LIVE. To fill EVERY minute.

NO more SATURDAY nights alone crying with my broken heart.
EVERYone will know the real me... HOWEVER UGLY

I am going to spend MONEY
LIVE
DANCE
DO
push myself
no push myself
taste everything

No more living for THAT happiness
Find NEW happiness / or maybe not just try

I may come out of it with nothing
BUT i need to do this now
IT MAY be an EVITA case.
I am young
Free
SAY YES



See what happens.
I AM not saying it is right.

(p.s no asking for sexual favours!)

D- Day ..DOWN WITH THE GOVERMENT!

Ok so parliament voted on tuition fees and suprise suprise... as we all knew they had and have the power to win the battle (as of yet!). It defenately comes as no shock that the ridiculous british goverment that is the tory-lib coalition today chose to save their own Eton arses and not back the people.

You have to ask the question" is this really a free country?" ... when clearly what the mass and vast vast majority of the population thinks is NOT represented by our leaders.

The vote won with 323 to 302 votes .... yes a narrow loss... but that doesn't matter... it is a loss anyway and a loss of rights, of culture, knowledge, privilege and peace.

What can we do?
One answer really... this means war! The goverment has declared its self as an enemy to the people and we the people must take our country and prove that we have the balls, the intelligence and we do enfact have the power. We are not ants to be stamped on. We have our brains and we want our education. The goverments war (Iraq) mess is not our fault or our choice... the money must come from their pockets (the goverment- yes labour as well!). Consider the money spent on the royal wedding? The govermental members stylists! (for crying out loud!)? The houses? Their luxurious food? ... this is not important and a disgrace. The people must rule!

POWER TO THE PEOPLE
DOWN WITH THE GOVERMENT
CAPILIST CUNTS
ANARCHY IN THE UK

why WAG is the only option...

I really don't know why I have always been so against the idea. Maybe it is my hideous dislike of HEAT magazine and all the rest, a snobby nosed thought about the trashy, a romantisicsm of the poor, starving and artistic or most probably jeolousy?

Anyway I have suddenly come to the conclusion that it is the only option! Or at least to be aimed for...
Why?
1. I'm fed up of living like a tramp... who doesn't want to be glamorous really? If i had the money and the resources (people to do it for me) of course I would be impecably clean (ah i hate showering but if I had a bubble bath?), manicured, start a skin care regime with pure gold or diamond?, have luscious extensions, perfect make-up, botox and all the rest... I just don't want to do it myself!
2. I could always wear couture.
3. I would never have to get on the tube.
4. I could go to hot places all the time.
5. I could live in space, spacwe, space, space and more space and be tidy, tidy and clean. Oh to hav cleaner and no clutter! No I am not good at doing it myself but ....I could hire a housewife!
6. FOOD. No more cans of macaroni cheese! I could have a wondrful chef and sit down to whatever healthy, delicious meal I choose... plus DESSERT!
7. I could spend as much time excerising, dancing, stretching as I wanted (plus personal trainer)...confessions of an exercise addict!
8. Lets face it... the husband/ boyfirend is going to be fit, buff and healthy... what more could you want? ... disciplined and hard working... and RICH! (all men are cunts)
9. It is pretty much a runway to sme sort of fame! And it doensn't have to be the HEAT do nothing sort! Ican make art, do fashion, be an actress.
10. Enough money to do something worthy... start a charity? Adopt a child?
11. I can do whatever I want ... money is no object
12. Ok... so if evr I do want to pro create who cares? ... Hire a nanny, pay an expensive school and have a tummy tuck and a designer vagina! it isn't about being a mummy any more!


..... Of course there are many more and it doesn't just have to stop at footballers. Rappers, Royalty, Rock stars they all fit the bill.


p.s OF COURSE I SAY ALL PREVIOUS COMPLETLEY IN JEST>>>> WAG= OLD HAG!!!!

the sea

Walking into the sea the blackness calls echoing the world and its depth,
A mirror of tunes of tales of the lived and living.
The girl searching for a soul, for a hand to hold and help to fucking save her from this bleak world of self hatred and blinding misunderstaning.

A scream so desperate, so alive, yelling at death!
" Why does it have to be so hard to leave everything behind? Why can't the sea suck away the senses: float, dissapear, be nothing."

Standing sending tears to the moon...
"God, God, God! Why have you forsaken me?"
Words of a story, a man, words for a world with no esape from fantasy!

Waves lap and curl, crippling and cold.
The heart shudders.
The human is weak, begging to be strong enough to carry out this deserate act.
Maybe in this search for transcendence she will find something?
Anything to hang on to!
To have, to hold, to chersish and not to run.

The depths beckon as the blackness burns brghter but the silence is too eternal.
No answer.
No serephin, nymph or white horsse.
The water ceases its tug.
The land is too obvious.

He waits.
Tentitive.
The scared girls stirrs...

Over.
Time for retreat.
A moment passed.
Life lived.
Hands held.
Failed failure.
The journey of the sea.

faith in fortune...

faith in future...
It's nice to be told things that give you hope.
I had my tarot read today... very different from the last time... true or not? who knows... i am sceptical but i do beleive in some sort of parth, choice or fate.
This time again it was positive but not associated with my past at all, just my future.
I was told I had no choice.. at the moment I am in the exact place in my life I am meant to be. Many people have options but i am in my perfect path. I have come a long way and I am talented and will be sucssessfull.
I was told I am an artist and I will be well known and shown in big museums (haha)
... follow my gut and have faith in myself.
It was also pointed out that I feel too much and am over emotional but I need this for my work!
As for my "man" apparently this is absoltely right and I should not worry :)!



All very nice and supportive to hear!hmmmmmmmm....

time

Sometimes I am scared that m life is passing me by and no mater how much I try to fill it up I am missing out or living the wrong thing, the wrong time, feeling wrong.
I get so caught up in what could be, what could have been trying to change things or face up to them... it gets so I don;t even know what I am doing anymore. I don;tknow whether I am myself or somethng different? Do these flashing lights mean something? Is time just another constraint .. not becuase it vanishes but becase we know it does? I think I fight against my feelings because I am scared of the end result but if I am so sure in fate then maye I shouldn't .. I just can't take life ot of my hands but I don't trust myself with time.

Everything I wanted to be when I grew up (I think)

A princess
An opera singer
Elvis
A ballerina
Julie Andrews
A vet
A fashion designer
A doctor
A policewoman
An author
A soldier
A forensic scientist
A spy
A dance teacher
An anthropologist
A journalist
An actor
An artist
A muse

making fate

I believe in fate, I believe in destiny but I also believe it is our choice how we go about things. This presure of choice makes everytig so har. Eveything equalsa turing point for our future. yeah... one door closes another one opens but what if tha one doesnt hve to close? Its so hard whenit is ou chice o cose it. How do we know? How do we know whether everything can be sorted out or if it is really not worth it.
I still belive in love.. i still love love.. I always knew it hurts in the end but tha doesn't make me regret it... it i sill he most important thing. There are two choices it goes on for ever... or it ends.. come on I'm 18! But how do I know which choice to make. Pain... Love and Pain... or just the possbiiy of Love (but do I even want that?)

Choices

For now I make none