True Love

"I like it. I'm not gonna crack.
I miss you. I'm not gonna crack. 
I love you.I'm not gonna crack. 
I killed you. I'm not gonna crack."

                                       Lithium , Nirvana

Nirvana In Bloom: Nevermind Exhibition

The Loading Bay Gallery, Brick Lane. 

Standing surrounded my Nirvana Memorabilia, lyrics, sound and video made me well up. I got hot flushes, dizziness, butterflies... I could hardly breathe. I will always be truly truly in love with Kurt Cobain. On the 20th anniversary of NeverMind (which is the same age as me!) Nirvana changed history and made themselves remembered for ever. As the exhibition put it this is not because of Kurt's history or his tragic death this is the shear power and uncontrollable beauty of his lyrics and music. It is literally breathtaking.  Watching their last gig at Reading I could not help but feel like I was in heaven. Raw emotion. That is all.

Deep Impact

Keith Tyson's Deep Impact was definitely the highlight of The Summer Exhibition 2011 and for me made it  a completely worthwhile visit ( whilst sifting through all that TWEE!!) . The painting is outstanding and incredibly beautiful. It is full of energy and feeling, fire and colour and did what art should - moved me. The Summer Exhibition is always frustrating because of its sheer nature and although this painting deserved far more space and perhaps a different setting its reflective nature sucked in the energy of everything. Its mirror like surface made its hanging come alive as the audience moved about within its surface and the colours of the other (crammed) paintings in the room.

This apocalyptic and fiery work seems incredibly relevant in my mind today as the riots continue to spread through london. The fear of the end and danger is everywhere bubbling under the surface. I can't help but think what this all means. What is the end?

Tears

I cry. I cry a lot. It overwhelms me. I feel my body crying from my heart. It chokes me. I cry at you. I cry at you all the time. But just now I cried at a film. I sat here staring at the screen and I cried. Tears came. Tears came out of my eyes and then they turned to tears of joy. I cried at something that wasn't you. I have my soul back. I have feelings again. I am full. Full of tears for everything. Normal beautiful tears.

Guilt

Filling the void

Putting yourself in danger

Sucking your soul dry

Time for change?

Or is this just starvation?

Am I guilty or just making myself feel guilty?

Guilty... of self destruction.

All the endless possibilities of what could have happened. Just to know. Can someone tell me what fucking happened. Because it is the chance of it not being ok that is killing me. I am not that desperate. I just want love too much. Real fucking your in it can't live without it love. That is why I am dead.

Black box

Maybe if we had stayed inside the black box where we found ourselves in the beginning, or at least returned there, we could loose our perception of reality and live with out fear. Not being able to see but feeling you smile. Who knows where it ends. Just keep on walking and listen to the children laugh. The black box is where it began. Where my sense of sight was numbed but I knew myself. You knew yourself. Or maybe neither knew anything but it didn't matter because all that could survive was blind innocence. When ones eyes are switched off and the boundaries of space are lifted who knows when to stop. No wrong can be done in a black box. Darkness. Pitch black darkness. Can you see the way through with your mind? I just wanted to cling to you and know that nobody knew or cared. If we stayed in that black box would we be free?              

This exhibition saved my life (or at lease my love!)...

"Friedrich Kunath: The most beautiful WORLD in the WORLD"
at Hoxton Square (15th April - 4th June 2011) quite possible changed my life. It was another one of those moments (again) when something just clicks and what you are doing at that very time means SO much. It is beautiful. I can't say how it has saved everything but it has. Just the atmosphere?
I must say I was very impressed with the exhibition as a whole. I loved it. I am not saying I loved the art though. Yes some of it was brilliant I couldn't stop staring or listening but it isn't my normal sort of thing. I like the normal white space but it has black walls and a brown carpet? White Cube? ! No!
I just think the art is so right. So human. So touching. We love. We loose. We are alone. We see beauty. We see joy. We learn. We are alone. We remember. We forgive. .We see. We are alone. We reject. We are rejected. We see beauty. We see pain. We are alone. Solitude can be beautiful.

 I was sitting on a sofa (in the exhibition) and I started crying. At first it was pain but then I started noticing things hearing things and these beautiful words seemed to come out of nowhere. They expressed everything. I stayed sitting. ... till the exhibition closed and I was asked to leave but I left calm, happy, motivated, clear and inspired.

SUMMER IS NEARLY HERE.

Upstairs there is a boy gazing out of a window at stars. We are so small. The world is so beautiful. This exhibition was completion.

Addiction

I am addicted to sex.
I am addicted to love.
I am addicted to being loved.
I am addicted to people.
I am addicted to exercise.
I am addicted to alcohol.
I am addicted to parties.
I am addicted to sleep.
I am addicted to routine.
I am addicted to drama.
I am addicted to emotion.
I am addicted to control.
I am addicted to destruction.
I am addicted to you.
I am addicted to me.

Some of these are more abstract than others.
Some are more serious.
They all play with each other.
Maybe this means things are better... Addiction with compromise?

I don't know.
It is hard.

Water

...another experimentation with sound and image.

Themes of LOVE

AAAA-AAAA-aaaa experimentation (self portrait as therapy) after Marina Abromavic

Aaaa-Aaaa-Aaaa experimentation (Self Portrait after Marina Abramovic) from Elizabeth Ophelia Alice Rose on Vimeo.

An experimentation after Marina Abromavic's  and Ulay's work "AAA AAA".
A piece of work in it's own right - as a performer and an artist I justify remaking other artists work by placing myself within it in order to create something new or contrasting. None of us can do anything the same. I am not stealing a concept but trying to "feel" it. A performer plays a character.. perhaps I am the generic character of an artist?

This is obviously also personal and a self-portrait as I am in it. The screaming is an emotion although the lack of words takes out language. The scream is universal. With the scream we revert to animalistic qualities .. the reaction can be disturbing or humorous. For me... I am not objective so I would liek some feedback.

This was just an experimentation. The setting is wrong.. it was cold and windy. The clothes wrong... (we were cold) but it still has the raw humanistic and natural qualities. I would like to experiment with removing sound but for now here goes ...

Stupid love songs...

To smile is to see you smile.
You saved me.
A thousand times you saved me,
                                   plucked me from hell and filled me with love;
Burning passion and love.
Burning, burning passion and desire.
Like fire you destroy but ignite.
Ignite life and fill my soul with the living.

To Live and To Love.

Oh joy
Oh tears
Oh heart

What heart?
This heart that beats in time with yours.
A drum,
A living orchestra of syllables!
                You make me feel
                 You make me feel one.
Agitation dissipates as I feel wholeness, oneness, peace.
Wholeness through your breath.
Heat that sighs and smoulders,
Smiling streams of beauty.

Words unjust, words a mere humiliation! - there is too much that only I or you know.
Pictures locked in dreams and memories,
Hanging relics of our actions,
But always love.

For what is love?
This is questionable.
We have our youth, our hearts, our minds, our lives to see but this breath you give is Love.
Oh to love,
Oh to see and feel !
To taste the same air and the same moment.
Oh this love!
It is to fall .
It is to fly.

scream

Smoke love

Loves light suffocates harsh world
Rose lips on pale palour
Hauting creation in neon glow...
Flame Flickers.

Lusty limps stroke and sway
LAUGHTER RINGS.
... Once dissapaited. NOW ALIVE.
Screaming
Screaming
Screaming in pure ecstatic joy.
Transcendency beats.

Swathed in darkness
Music penetratign the dancing soul
Rhythm moves the mind
Eyes BLIND.

Lost
Lost
Lost and finally FOUND...
... gushing energy bounds from the heart
seeping from Skin
into skin.
Above, Beyond, Whithin the mind of GOD.

Fantasy tosses and turns the pixels of perfection
Clarity to what isn't known.

LOve, in Love, what love
TO LOVE

the raven

Darkness
Starkness
Coldness
Shattered motions, notion ... hard emotions
Shivering surrender of hope
Sucked up by you suffocating dope
Blurred bereavement
ready for a bloody beginning
All is lost
A heart obliterated by ravens repeating
Evermore
Evermore
Evermore.

dragged heart

Star dust

'And it came to me then. That we were wonderful traveling companions but in the end no more than lonely lumps of metal in their own separate orbits. From far off they looked like beautiful shooting stars, but in reality they're nothing more than prisons, where each of us is locked up alone, going nowhere. When the orbits of these two satellites of ours happened to cross paths, we could be together. Maybe even open our hearts to each other. But that was only for the briefest moment. In the next instant we'd be in absolute solitude. Until we burned up and became nothing.'
from sputnicks sweeheart


we really are no more than dust and energy a life built out of nothing has to be something and even for the briefest moment we have to make it something

walls

White walls echoing minds so transparent nobody knows what they think or feel
The pain to obvious.
Happiness or intrigue blindingly bright.
Grey floors soaking and seeping blury confusionof thought and feeling too misty and muddled to understand.
You can;t quite grasp the meaning.
Nothingness amplified.
Nothing
Nothing
Nothing but something.

A mouse in the corner
Watching and waiting
Scuttling and scurrying
Stifling the screams wanting to explain to shout out what it means.
They know it's in their - you just have to open your eyes
Open your eyes.
Open your eyes.
Open your eyes.
Look behind the picture
The paint know the past
Know the future
Feel the present
In their.... make the time
The atoms of feeling
Fast and furious
Shaking your mind tryng to get you to understand
to accept
to feel what I feel.
But nothing
or EVERYTHING
who knows?
who knows?
Who Knows little mouse?

The swan

I think there was a time when playin this saved my life. I miss it so much.
It maks me cy but it just fills me with an overwhelming sense of humility and peace.
Overwhelming hapiness and saddness at he same time. Life in all its glory.
Simply beautiful and pure.

if you have the balls

overwhelming

I feel so strong. it;s so strange. It seems to have happened all of a suddden. I mean like this. I am so scared. I think this is what it is supposed to be. Or at least its just amazing and i have to try it once.
Especially with you.
Because we will do anything.
"There isn't anything I wouldn't do ; it scares me"

And its all to do with music