Solitude in space

Two people sit in the farthest corner of the bar at The Old Vic. I squeeze myself in to a corner and say nothing. Sunlight streams down through the darkness of the stairwell. I wait. They wait. We wait. Gradually more people drip in faster and faster bustling and filling the space. Initially we distance ourselves. Potentially social beings are too shy in this stark strange daylight to converse in what seems such an unnatural setting. I sit and wonder about the stories, the beings, the reasons.
   It is my own feeling of in sufficiency or an acute awkwardness that holds me away just below the surface - being like this makes me nervous and I can't break the shell. Someone walks up behind me. Asks if the seat is free. I all too coldly and abruptly reply "Oh no that's fine" a contradiction in itself. I feel myself bristle. That tension that I possible imagine floating between everyone - An in security or a sense of competition or a tension that I imagine between everyone - An in security or a sense of competition or a sexual un ease. I am not sure.
  Snippets of peoples conversation still manage to fill the air. Some people - maybe everyone is better at this than me. My awareness pushes me away. I get up and walk out into my own solitude.

On Time and Writers Block

There are fixed points in time when everything changes. It is something that you should get down in words but the words don't explain much. Change is natural. Sometimes it is gradual but the points where they are instant are the only true moments of clarity. When your sure about something. Reason and cosequence. It doesn't mean it won't change again but this shift in the universe means something and it has to mean moving forward. I have been there many before but the constant repetition reaches a breaking point. Writing becomes boring. You have heard it all before. We all have. Trying to get to the actual centre of it all and pinpointing the right phrases is too difficult a task to take on so therefore I don't write. Trying to write creates an itching of the mind because it just isn't coming out in all those complex layers that you want it to. The mind isn't in a sentence. It is confusion and contradiction and conscious and unconscious. A stream of everything and never ever ever ever stops. A waterfall of everything trapped in this small little box. That vast space of thoughts and feelings and urges and longings and emotions all caught up in a little black hole. Communication is a constant struggle. Looking at the sky helps. Standing there with nothing but the world. My face is touching the air. I am in the world. That is what matters.

Seperation

I think you know I mean it.
Because everything changes now.
The end of OUR time.
Never alone again.
No endless spaces.
Our past all dried up and cut and tied ends together.
That world before was our universe - we chose to step in or step out but it was always there.
Doesn't exist anymore!
Black holes are your fascination
But the space up their is disappearing faster than you can imagine.
No more living in the stars or being star dust.
I'm optimistic.
I like this newness.
But I am not stupid like you.
Spend too much time thinking and I know this is the end.
It didn't have to be but decisions are only human to get wrong.
You chose to separate you world.
Don't belong anymore.
It is fear. Fear that haunts us.
Gone. No more.
I didn't think it would happen like this.
the breaking of wishes makes life str o n ger.
All I can say
It seems to be fate
No longer combined.
Evermore.

On being twenty

Yesterday I turned twenty.
Twenty years of life.
Breathing this air.
I don't know how I feel.
I didn't want to be twenty.
It terrified me.
I panicked and broke down the day before.
I don't really know why.
Probably because my 19th birthday was the best day of my life.
Because twenty isn't a teenager anymore.
Because life goes so fast.
Because everything changes.
Everything is transient.
But this isn't a bad thing.
It is just fear.
I remember everything about the last ten years of my life so clearly and sometimes I don't feel like I have changed at all. I know I have. But i am still that girl.
I still feel stuck like that sometimes.
I hated being a teenager.
Or at least I don't think I was very happy.
I didn't feel at one.
Or like I fitted in.
I hated school.
I spent two years in mental hospital.
I was sick.
I was depressed.
I fell in love.
I fell out of love.
I fell in love again.
I went up and I went down.
I ate.
I didn't eat.
I cried.
I cried.
I smiled.
I laughed.
I became and artist.
I became an actor.
I grew.
I travelled.
I drew.
I screamed.
I shouted a lot.
I hurt things.
I got hurt.
I hurt myself.
I haven't spent a day doing nothing.
Apart from when I was forced.
I was imprisoned by others / I was trapped by myself.
I achieved.
I found myself.
I lost myself.
It keeps on going.
I drunk.
I drunk to much.
Had bad sex.
Good sex.
Used sex.
I made friends.
I lost friends.
I learnt to talk.
I learnt to listen.
I watched the world.
I still do.
I am changing.
And trying to change for the better.
Made rules.
Broke rules.
Challenged myself.
Always challenged myself.
Grew selfish.
Cared about others.

Change is permanent.
Fear is hard to overcome.
The future is in my hands.
Who knows what twenty means.
I had a great day.

Me at twenty

Political Compound

Compound as in a verb - Mix two things together.
As in a noun - an area.
As in a verb - to make a situation worse.
As in a noun- - made up of a number of parts.

Mixing or rules or morals
Grouping of people of organisms "colony"
Mixing of words or rhythms.
Mixing of styles.
The random conjoining of objects.
Relationship between objects.
Mixing of people. Forced or natural?
A potion.
A recipe.
Mixing of cells - Life.
Chemicals.
Water.
Fantasy creation/creature.
The putting together of rules.
Joining together.
Tied up. Bondage.

Outside the area.
Inside the area.
Madness/ clarity - the space of the mind / locked inside your mind?
Locked inside your body?
A prison.
An enclosure.
Safe from the other?
Physically locked up.
Mentally locked up.
Unsafe outside this.
Enclosed space.
An institution.
Closed mind.
Claustrophobia.


To anger.
To worsen a pain. Physical or mental.
I can't stop acting in this way.
To hurt or to harm.
To play games - mind games.
To self destruct.
To destroy other.
To fight against.
To cause unrest.
To make unstable
Politically cause the problem.
To argue against.
To deliberately act.
To ruin or destroy work.
Two wrongs do not make a right.

travel...

I dont think the tube is part of this world...