On Time and Writers Block

There are fixed points in time when everything changes. It is something that you should get down in words but the words don't explain much. Change is natural. Sometimes it is gradual but the points where they are instant are the only true moments of clarity. When your sure about something. Reason and cosequence. It doesn't mean it won't change again but this shift in the universe means something and it has to mean moving forward. I have been there many before but the constant repetition reaches a breaking point. Writing becomes boring. You have heard it all before. We all have. Trying to get to the actual centre of it all and pinpointing the right phrases is too difficult a task to take on so therefore I don't write. Trying to write creates an itching of the mind because it just isn't coming out in all those complex layers that you want it to. The mind isn't in a sentence. It is confusion and contradiction and conscious and unconscious. A stream of everything and never ever ever ever stops. A waterfall of everything trapped in this small little box. That vast space of thoughts and feelings and urges and longings and emotions all caught up in a little black hole. Communication is a constant struggle. Looking at the sky helps. Standing there with nothing but the world. My face is touching the air. I am in the world. That is what matters.

Control

Grey day
Grey mind
Grey space
Grey light
Grey heart
Grey sight...
Absolution in the still soliliquey of solitude
Wasted words in a wasted world
Moments in time tortured by burning bitter fantasy,
Blasphemy on life ...

Light lost

Love losing

Lauhter left listlessly lamenting language
Madness twisting reality into a few pathetic moments
Not worth the time spent
Or the feeling.
Lack of memory mocking a mind that knows
THIS IS NOT RIGHT!
Not me
Not I
Not it
Not life.

What does one want?
Not this
But what?

NOT THIS

Light
colour
freedom ... but freedom to dance in completion.
Do do what is
what should be.

MESS MESS MESS fucking MESS
Knotted actions lost in lack of control.
Control spun into girating glee at the absence of caring.
But I do care
I do care
I DO CARE

Free me control
free me

surreal dreams or reality?.. and the case of the stabbed heart....

I always have vivid dreams.. always have (hopefully - because what would life be without them?) always will! Even so, recentley my dreams have taken a far more obvious turn. My daily life is all too apparent. Every night without fail my dreams are heavily linked to my reality providind a macabre twist on the real and presenting the worrying question of why? ... Is my brain fnding the every day too hard to handle? or is my conscious and subconscious intertwining evermore into a world filled of madness.
Anyway mostly these dreams have been interesting/ disturbung / odd but perhaps usual/ handleable / not that affecting but one of them is sending my mind on a turn for the worst. This however may not be the dreams fault but the reality. ..
Ok so now for the case of the stabbed heart. I live very near an extrememlet large sainsbury's and visit it nearly every day. There is an archway that you walk through to get to it. I walk through this archway normally battling heaps of people, tramps, rain... ok it is not the nicest of places but a couple of day ago I was walking through and there on the grate beside me was a heart. A very large real hear onnected to several other organs from god knows what. It lay on the gate dripping blood looking like this great heaving mes and in the centre sicking up out of it was a knife, a silver knife. Now the heart didn't suprise mett much thre are llotsof halal butcer around and I frequently see trucks full of carcsses and here the meat knives grinding bones. All teh same it was a stomach churning view and I quickly hurried by hoping it would be cleared up. However, this image is haunting me! The next day it was still there (yesterday) and I seemed to be the only one that noticed it, a big puddle of bloody rain around it. It seems so symbolic, the question is raised is it really symbolic? Is this a message? Who knows but to me it seems an incredibly bad omen!
Anyway last night was a tough one. The fire alarms jammed and they wouldn't sto. My sleep was broken and frequent and I had many dreams all obviously connected to my day. The wierdest and most haunting however was one hard to describe. I was in a world though surrounded by vains and throbbing muscles and membranes thy wher alive and swallowing peopleup. Thehart ws spreading with all it's sinewy tissue everywhere and was a thing of great fear. Cannibals reighned and people walked about like zombies. I was on some kind of quest that I cannot remember clearly but one things for sure. This heart is affecting me. I can't go to sainsbury's, I cant stop thinkning about it, I feel contantly nervous sick and on the edge and have a strong sense of impending doom. I am even beginning to question whether it was ever actually there?
.... After all impailed hearts wouldn't exactly be all that alien to me. My art having a strong link which I do not fully understand....

animal expresions

I have a tendancy to see animals in featuresa and facial expressions even if they look nothing like it...

This tends to take my breath away but also reminds me of ant royalty...


And I always eithe loo liek a sheep or a duck.

Toy town

Aren't we all playing at life? Attempting happies and making toys out of ourselves? I'm not conplaining my toy town is fun!.. Eeverything is colourful, anythin can happen, play what you want. Its better than paying silly games. If I believe in faries and talking lions isn't it better than being genuinly stupid and settlin down to what I expect to be a happy life. I might as well accept toy town lie a chid rather than an adult. Multicoloured lights, ice cream, fying, circus .. do what we wan when we want.It's all childhood innocence. The thing is... I'm not that innocent.
(but I can pretend)

Obsession

I seem to be utterly confused in what i beleive in all the time. Maybe because I believe in both, or becasuI am desperate to understand things. I just am obsessed or seem to be obsessed; everything seems two come down to these two things...

re⋅al⋅i⋅ty  /riˈælɪti/ [ree-al-i-tee]
–noun, plural -ties for 3, 5–7. 1. the state or quality of being real.
2. resemblance to what is real.
3. a real thing or fact.
4. real things, facts, or events taken as a whole; state of affairs: the reality of the business world; vacationing to escape reality.
5. Philosophy. a. something that exists independently of ideas concerning it.
b. something that exists independently of all other things and from which all other things derive.
6. something that is real.
7. something that constitutes a real or actual thing, as distinguished from something that is merely apparent.



fan·ta·sy (fnt-s, -z)
n. pl. fan·ta·sies
1. The creative imagination; unrestrained fancy. See Synonyms at imagination.
2. Something, such as an invention, that is a creation of the fancy.
3. A capricious or fantastic idea; a conceit.
4.
a. Fiction characterized by highly fanciful or supernatural elements.
b. An example of such fiction.
5. An imagined event or sequence of mental images, such as a daydream, usually fulfilling a wish or psychological need.
6. An unrealistic or improbable supposition.
7. Music See fantasia.
8. A coin issued especially by a questionable authority and not intended for use as currency.
9. Obsolete A hallucination.
tr.v. fan·ta·sied, fan·ta·sy·ing, fan·ta·sies
To imagine; visualize.

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I think the two can live hand in hand though. I'm not sure the definitions are quite correct. It's whether the fantasy is genuine, then it's a reality. It isn tmake believe anymore. Someties it's more real.