Delta Venus

Solitude in space

Two people sit in the farthest corner of the bar at The Old Vic. I squeeze myself in to a corner and say nothing. Sunlight streams down through the darkness of the stairwell. I wait. They wait. We wait. Gradually more people drip in faster and faster bustling and filling the space. Initially we distance ourselves. Potentially social beings are too shy in this stark strange daylight to converse in what seems such an unnatural setting. I sit and wonder about the stories, the beings, the reasons.
   It is my own feeling of in sufficiency or an acute awkwardness that holds me away just below the surface - being like this makes me nervous and I can't break the shell. Someone walks up behind me. Asks if the seat is free. I all too coldly and abruptly reply "Oh no that's fine" a contradiction in itself. I feel myself bristle. That tension that I possible imagine floating between everyone - An in security or a sense of competition or a tension that I imagine between everyone - An in security or a sense of competition or a sexual un ease. I am not sure.
  Snippets of peoples conversation still manage to fill the air. Some people - maybe everyone is better at this than me. My awareness pushes me away. I get up and walk out into my own solitude.

Amy

I know there are lots of mixed opinions about Amy Winehouse and lots of tragedy in the world but no   one can fail to pay there respects to this extremely talented girl on the news of her death. It is a tragedy. A tragedy caused by the world we live in, addiction, emotion, passion, creation and life. We don't know the causes. Amy had a lot of lovers and fans but people were cruel. A victim of the world of celebrity.
  I was in Tesco when I heard the news (it came on the TV screens at Liverpool street) and I must admit I am devastated. The music (as well as the person) has been a big influence in my life. There was a point when I would listen to her continuously every day for almost a year. Mainly to dance to, to deal with my own problems, to be with people, just to relax. "Back to black" is probably my most listened to album ever.   It came out when I was in hospital for the second time and "Rehab" was a song that we could laugh too. There we were stuck in "Rehab" and, well, it just made everything a bit lighter. Amy was also in the news a lot then.. and we were all interested. She had similarities with us that we could connect to. Obsess over. Anything. Most of all though, I really did love her music. It "feels" so much. You can "feel" her.
  I hope Amy is at peace now, like so many troubled people I know that have died young, hopefully this means the torment has ended. It makes me think of all those wonderful people : Lorry, Fran, Joe, Kate  and all the rest I know who are still struggling with life. "Only the good die young" . Thank you for making me stronger.

Addiction

I am addicted to sex.
I am addicted to love.
I am addicted to being loved.
I am addicted to people.
I am addicted to exercise.
I am addicted to alcohol.
I am addicted to parties.
I am addicted to sleep.
I am addicted to routine.
I am addicted to drama.
I am addicted to emotion.
I am addicted to control.
I am addicted to destruction.
I am addicted to you.
I am addicted to me.

Some of these are more abstract than others.
Some are more serious.
They all play with each other.
Maybe this means things are better... Addiction with compromise?

I don't know.
It is hard.

saying hello

After a couple of days in the country (ok not really the country the suburbs... but ther are fields and hills) I must admit the change is unbearable. Life is so different. So boring. Everything is over by 5pm... but there are a few things that are generally fantastic.

1. The air... I love to be outside and here it is fresher.
2. The sleep... I have a proper bed.
3. The appreciation of other places.
4. The dogs!
5. The trees...
6. Actually having a house and not cheap food!

....
BUT have you noticed how if you walk past someone on a lane you alway say hello... merry christmas! Strangers are more friendly. I guess in London ther are just too many busy people to say hello to.... but it makes me feel good :)

D- Day ..DOWN WITH THE GOVERMENT!

Ok so parliament voted on tuition fees and suprise suprise... as we all knew they had and have the power to win the battle (as of yet!). It defenately comes as no shock that the ridiculous british goverment that is the tory-lib coalition today chose to save their own Eton arses and not back the people.

You have to ask the question" is this really a free country?" ... when clearly what the mass and vast vast majority of the population thinks is NOT represented by our leaders.

The vote won with 323 to 302 votes .... yes a narrow loss... but that doesn't matter... it is a loss anyway and a loss of rights, of culture, knowledge, privilege and peace.

What can we do?
One answer really... this means war! The goverment has declared its self as an enemy to the people and we the people must take our country and prove that we have the balls, the intelligence and we do enfact have the power. We are not ants to be stamped on. We have our brains and we want our education. The goverments war (Iraq) mess is not our fault or our choice... the money must come from their pockets (the goverment- yes labour as well!). Consider the money spent on the royal wedding? The govermental members stylists! (for crying out loud!)? The houses? Their luxurious food? ... this is not important and a disgrace. The people must rule!

POWER TO THE PEOPLE
DOWN WITH THE GOVERMENT
CAPILIST CUNTS
ANARCHY IN THE UK

can't cut this...

It seems we are heading in to another dawn of discontent. With the rise of the tories and the mess of economics politics is back at the heart of the country and money is the biggest issue. Today students protested against the goverment cuts set to hit all universiities.
With the mess we are in (another human creation) something has to be done ... but the future is bleak. Goldsmiths is set to loose 100 % of its teaching grants along with fees going up to £9000 across the board. This is a diar state of affairs. University always was elitist... for the rich but now everyone expects to have this privilege (not that I would call the education system that!). Cutting and raising will lead to a huge shift in the structure of society... between the new and old.. our generation and the next couple of years and again create a class structure damaging to our already corrupt society.
In terms of art school the state of affairs is ridiculous! It seems to have completley bent to the will anf whim of the goverment loosing all notion of what it is or the point of taking part. I was asked today by a pro cut student (fuck that) "Whether I valued my degree at £30,000 ...becasue if I didn't why was i here?" Ha ha i could .. probably did have laughed in his face. He believed the cuts were vital... probably so he could raise his own elitist arse up above the talented bitches around him. The problem is NO I don't. I value my lifestyle, art, the people I am surronded with but not the stupid grade or the fucking university. The problem is raising the fees will take what little is left of art school ( not much... the goverments still to scared of punk) and remove all talent so that just the very few who can pay ( because no..WE CAN'T) can achieve there precious degree! Proof that your an artist? ... BULLSHIT!!!
Ah if only...
Teachers wouldn't get cuts.
People would be motivated.
We would be fresh.
and my whole bloody world wouldn't feel so rigid.

For the time beign though... befoer we tackle the problem of actual art school..
we must fight... at least this is giving us some anarchic spirit!
YOU CAN'T CUT THIS!!!!

Shabba-dabba-da......and the curse of the flashing nipple!!!!

... a video from an awesome night at Avalon in Shoreditch hosted by the fantastical, glamorous and outrageous Daniel Lismore.
A brilliant video with some brilliant people...
... I appologise for my costume malfunction (unfortuantely a regular occurance)
Check out the awesome outfits!!!!

WANTED

Has anyone seen this man?
Picture included.
Extreme New Yorker.
Owns a record company.
Very drunk!!!!

The other day whilst stumling through London me and Alex came across this beauty! What a diamond! He is the funniest man alive and to know whoheis would absolutely make my day! He is unforgetable. The problem beign he took our mber but we were too stupid to take his.

REWARD GIVEN

something about art

I'm afraid it is another roll up roll up not that I have anything to exhibit as of yet....

she did ballet... what more can I say?

I remmber the outcry when Darcey Bussell prima balleina dressed up in leather for a photoshoot. A ballerina couldn't be sexy, dangerous or strong. What was wrong with that?
A balerina cn be anything...
she is super human
imaginative
creative
powerul
beutiful
just because ballet is an art of discipline doesnt mean it is conventional or has to be?
What is the problem... isn't this channelng energy into a tunnel?
Ballet is traditionally seen as for good girls.
But what is good?
Isn't tha just boring?
Art isn't boring.


and besides what's wrong with leather?

further faith in people

more proof that humans are inrinsically good...
... eterday i lost my passport
today i recievd a phone call
it is back
yes!

two people kissing always look like fish...

haunted

I truly believe

My life is flled with so many ghosts..

ghost (gst)
n.
1. The spirit of a dead person, especially one believed to appear in bodily likeness to living persons or to haunt former habitats.
2. The center of spiritual life; the soul.
3. A demon or spirit.
4. A returning or haunting memory or image.
5.
a. A slight or faint trace: just a ghost of a smile.
b. The tiniest bit: not a ghost of a chance.
6. A faint, false image, as:
a. A secondary image on a television or radar screen caused by reflected waves.
b. A displaced image in a photograph caused by the optical system of the camera.
c. A false spectral line caused by imperfections in the diffraction grating.
d. A displaced image in a mirror caused by reflection from the front of the glass.
7. Informal A ghostwriter.
8.
a. A nonexistent publication listed in bibliographies.
b. A fictitious employee or business.
9. Physiology A red blood cell having no hemoglobin.
v. ghost·ed, ghost·ing, ghosts
v.intr.
1. Informal To engage in ghostwriting.
2. To move noiselessly like a ghost: "Two young deer ghosted out of the woods" (Nancy M. Debevoise).
v.tr.
1. To haunt.
2. Informal To ghostwrite: was hired to ghost the memoirs of a famous executive.

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[Middle English gost, from Old English gst, breath, spirit.]

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ghosty adj.

point of view

My lack of understanding makes me angry.
I want to know everything.
I want to see why and how and know where.
I am not sure whether i am angry with myself for not having the ability to understand, with the world for not teaching me or with the thing that I can't understand... why the fuck do they / it ... have to be like that?
It makes me screw up inside... i want to let my lack of understanding out.
It seems this is impossible becuase I don't understand.

one day i will stand alone

My failure kills me. I want to be this independant person who can completley cope. I can. But i am a liability. Every time something happens I am so embarassed. Having to call someone up ask for help. It hurts so much. It points out how pathetic I am. I'm just a pet who plays at growing up but stillneeds to grow up. I need someone for everything. And yes it;s not my fault but I could stop these things from hapening if I just took some time to think. If i was sensible. Ohhh to being sensible. But sensible would kill me.

queing

Food shopping is strange. I wonder what you can tell?
My shopping... a bottle of vodka
red bull
coke
a tin of spaghetti

the personbehind me ... 40 white loeaves of bread