We can dance our way through the days and nights...

I forgot what it was to actually be happy without any pain in the back of your head.
I forgot that being with someone could actually help me instead of making me feel like I was getting strangled by torment.
I forgot this was a good thing.

On being twenty

Yesterday I turned twenty.
Twenty years of life.
Breathing this air.
I don't know how I feel.
I didn't want to be twenty.
It terrified me.
I panicked and broke down the day before.
I don't really know why.
Probably because my 19th birthday was the best day of my life.
Because twenty isn't a teenager anymore.
Because life goes so fast.
Because everything changes.
Everything is transient.
But this isn't a bad thing.
It is just fear.
I remember everything about the last ten years of my life so clearly and sometimes I don't feel like I have changed at all. I know I have. But i am still that girl.
I still feel stuck like that sometimes.
I hated being a teenager.
Or at least I don't think I was very happy.
I didn't feel at one.
Or like I fitted in.
I hated school.
I spent two years in mental hospital.
I was sick.
I was depressed.
I fell in love.
I fell out of love.
I fell in love again.
I went up and I went down.
I ate.
I didn't eat.
I cried.
I cried.
I smiled.
I laughed.
I became and artist.
I became an actor.
I grew.
I travelled.
I drew.
I screamed.
I shouted a lot.
I hurt things.
I got hurt.
I hurt myself.
I haven't spent a day doing nothing.
Apart from when I was forced.
I was imprisoned by others / I was trapped by myself.
I achieved.
I found myself.
I lost myself.
It keeps on going.
I drunk.
I drunk to much.
Had bad sex.
Good sex.
Used sex.
I made friends.
I lost friends.
I learnt to talk.
I learnt to listen.
I watched the world.
I still do.
I am changing.
And trying to change for the better.
Made rules.
Broke rules.
Challenged myself.
Always challenged myself.
Grew selfish.
Cared about others.

Change is permanent.
Fear is hard to overcome.
The future is in my hands.
Who knows what twenty means.
I had a great day.

Me at twenty

Midsummer madness

"Why this is very Midsummer Madness."
                                                     William Shakespeare

The weather may be saying differently but we have reached midsummer and suddenly I feel completley different. I feel a bit magical and perfectly at peace. Everything has been a bit grey and maybe it will remain so but something within me has changed.

Look on to the summer and see and feel all the sensations that I can.
Life is good.
Smile.
Now I am free and can take of and fly wherever I want.
I feel like going now. Just going at life.
So much has changed in the last half a year and now I am feeling like it is for the good.
It is exciting.
I think I know how to live again and feel and think and make decisions and go forwards instead of being stuck in the same place.
This is ephemeral, transient but at the moment it is wonderful.
Time will tell.
My time has started again.
My madness is going away again.
This is light.

Ice Cream in the rain

Eating ice cream in the rain again. Small pleasure trying to prove that the actual isn't happening. Sunlight streams in and warmth radiates. Melting in my mouth the temperature outside is not pleasant but at least I can pretend. It just looks to good to ignore. Ice cream has to be cold. The melted stuff just is not as good. So maybe the rain helps? Just hard when you have to huddle. I would rather be bathing in brilliance. Tired of greyness. The red strawberry and rich chocolate add colour at least. It is something about the tub, the spoon, the holiday feel. Is it possible that ice cream makes my life better? Or is this just another failed attempt at happiness?

A little bit of sun

Winter is some dark cloud and I can't crawl out of that hole.
Summer sun is a glimpse of what can be.
Light streaming through windows marks out hope.
The future is great.
Busy people can step out and breathe.

We loose ourselves.

Sighing swathed in light we sing.
My eyes can open again.
My heart knows its path.
Fly away.
Fly into now.





Riding through this glimpse of summer
My darkness is hinting at light.
Out of that pit that seemed so endless
This new light is wonderful.
Singing to the music.
What music?
This music.
My heart is free again
My mind is open and
Blue skies make me want to live new again.
Live not for the night or the stars or the darkness
But for this blinding day!
God you are so beautiful.
I just want to laugh.

the first christmas

I simply had a wonderful christmas day! Really, honestly the best christmas I have had since I was a very very little girl. I don't meant to sound scroogey I love christmasy things but over the years I really have learnt to hate christmas day! This year made all the difference.
Since I was six i spent christmas half way between my mums and my dads untill i was a teenager... a christmas of car journeys, when I became a teenager christmas was tense because of my own difficulties... I wanted to enjoy it but I always caused the problem; always threw a tantrum or caused a desperate argument... it was too stressful. Christmas was a boring day spent being bored and feeling suffocated and fearful... then last year... although a special christmas, one to be remebered, was a deeply sad time. Last year was the last year my grandma, someone for whom christmas was christmas. We woke up at 6 in the morning and travelled to Oxford to spend Christmas day in hospital with my wonderful grandma pam, the most fantastic Grandma anyone could wish for. She was very frail and had declined rapidly, it was a humbling moving and saddening day but I am so happy i got to see her before she died. I will remember her forever and ever as a beautiful beautiful young at heart lady.

Anyway thank you for this Christmas. Thank you Wolfie (Alex) for making this perfect, thank you for being there, thank you for my lovely presents, thank you for making me outstandingly happy. Thank you his family for being lovely. Thank you my family for being wonderful and my best friends with amazing presents, amazing food and a lovely Christmas. And well done me... because I have changed and grown (because of these people) and now I can do Christmas and enjoy it!

MERRY CHRISTMAS

back and notes on bulls and bloodshed....

I am back from holidaying in Andalucia and have an infinite list of posts to start on and many photos that need uploading...

I had a fantastic time with Alex and my family; it was peaceful and happy and sunny and very hard to come back. Holidays seem to take away any worries and you seem to live in a world of perfection. The holiday bought everyone closer and I think even self discovery... stepping away is a necessity.

I think I need to write about one thing first...
BULL FIGHTS!!
On a trip to Malaga we managed to visit a real life bullfight. I wanted to see it, Alex wanted to see it... everyone did apart from my sister.. but she was just nervous.
Bull fights are a contreversial subject... bloody, cruel, patriotic, majestical, ceremonial... it was all of these things.
Personally I do not think it is right. I didn't quite know how I would feel but it defenately had an affect on me.
Sitting in the ring we were surrounded by spanish people, the mood was high, live musicians played spanish music... everything was defeantely happy, pure and wonderful. The start was ceremonial, beautiful and proud. The matadors strong, majestical and heroic but as soon as the first bull was released an overwhelming sadness came over me. It was so small, pitiful and humbling. it wasn;t this angry beast I was expecting. I immediately started feeling what I thought it was feeling...
Pain as it's skin was stabbed...exhaustion, humilation, weakness as the matador prodded it urging to fight. This bull was too effeminate, too lovely.. I imagined it's friends, it;s paretns... this wasn't a bull who wanted to fight... it just wanted a hug?
The matador jeered as it watched it die... this bull died for human pride.. an unworthy cause.
My sister, Alex and my Mother were concerened but excited, desperate for more.... it wasn't personal... I stayed but it made me angry ... there is nothing I could no about it!
The next two bulls were stronger more fierce, there pain didn;t hurt me nad the matador's fantastic but I still can;t condone this sport. Yes it is traditional, beautiful, and brings the peopele together but we live in a modern world which is searching for freedom. Animals are now seen as worthy beings with rights... yes we eat animals... but I am not sure anyone enjoys there killing.
I think spain needs to find a new way of keeping the glory of the matador but not the bullish behaviour.

Field Day!

Field day on saturday was amazing. A perdect mix of good music and relaxation...not your usual drunken festival but just a time to be happy.
My absolute favourite moment would have to be when The Kissaway Trail played an amzing cover of "Where is My Mind" by The Pixies ... it really was goosebump material. They are a pretty hot new band complete with two front men all the rest and a crazy man with a tambourine.... at least it gives us untalented people who dont play a musical instrument hope!
Watching Lightspeed champion with Wolfie was euphoric even if I did break in to the odd spurt of irish dancing and Caribou surreal... I think they are wonderful! I have included a few pictures and one of me and alex looking a tad grumpy whilst trying to avoid the inevitable face twitch caused by fashion bloggers and there flashing cameras.
It was colourful and peaceful, summery and calm... just a fab day!
...and my glasses are hilarious!
....
I couldn't find Where is My Mind but here is Caribou with "The Sun"...

stability... or the lack of

I wish I wasn't so volatile.. I wis didn't have the ablity to ruin my day.. my week ... my year.
I wish I didn't worry so much. I wish I liked myself. I wish I didn't want to change everything. I wish it didn't affect me so much. I wish I didn't have obsessions. I wish I was sane. I wish I wish I wish....
.... you see
I wish I wasn't me!

birthday

today is my 19th bithday.
Born in Bristlol hospital 6 weeksearly weighing 4 pounds 6 ounces at 11 o,clock on the 27th June 1991...
it has been a journey but I know have a life I have was dreamed of.
I love my family I love the people around me that matter but most of all I love my beautiful fiance/ brother/ best friend/ best thing that ever happened to me.
xxx

PAPARRAZZZZZIIIII

Ahhhh thank you thank yo thak you universe.
Iam unbeleivably happy. I never thought anthing could feel this way.
Exhibition started.
I love my family.
I love my life.
But most of alll I love my beautiful fiance. The best int the world forever and ever and ever.
The funniest thing I thought i would never be saying this!!!

And who would hav thought that my father would be happy and axting like a embarassing wreck but I think it is fair to say he is actually proud f is daughter and I actully know it. For once I can make him happy by being me.
It is all I ver wanted and I can do it easily.
xxxxx

everybody's going to be happy

and i can't wait for summer and this feeling to go on for ever and ever because baby you got me.
I can see country and sunshine and i like towns and cities, crying in the rain, I like everything and I LOVE LIFE.

follow that rainbow...

pure happiness

canal dreaming

As I have said before, I love water. It has a tangeabl peacfullness about it and wherever I am, however I feel it brings a sese of calm and openess.
My favourite places ( ok amongst others, they always seem to have something epic about them) arethose with water. Yesterday I took a book and just sat and read y te water. I watched the world go by, the water slowly ripple, felt the sun, heard peple lauhing, everythin was happy and I was completley stress free. This is rare and although I am il I think yesterday was one of the happiest days of my life. I am unbelieveably lucky and I have so many things in my life that are absolutely amazing.

Oh but wouln't I just love to live on a canal boat? The chugging along the river... the pleasant conversation, the bright colours, the simple life.
Alfresco dining, lookin at the stars, the gentle rockin of the water. No purpose other than to get to the next section of the river.

The thing is though. I know this is a fantasy. I am way too fast paced. This would probbly make me hate the water. The cramped spaces. Te too close for comfort relationships. The bad weather. The nothing to do! No I think I will keep this as a happy dream...







But if you offering?

The swan

I think there was a time when playin this saved my life. I miss it so much.
It maks me cy but it just fills me with an overwhelming sense of humility and peace.
Overwhelming hapiness and saddness at he same time. Life in all its glory.
Simply beautiful and pure.

sweetness

I never thought I would be this happy. It is utter contentement. I simply had such a lovely day. So much about my life has changed. I feel unbeleiveably lucky. Who would have thought I would have been doing this. Who would have thought I would be so head over heals?
Who would have thought every one around me could see how happy I am.
I feel like I have been set free. We are alive.

Summer is here. Sitting in covent garden ( ok we froze to death) a picnic and just all the people I love. How can I be so calm? Why do I want this to happen... How can such a family affair make me so happy. Maybe it;s the contrast or maybe it;s just the fact I love him. Is it scary? Yes!!! And I fuck up so much
I'm not this person... but maybe I am. Love conquers all so they say.
And here's to Van Gogh!

A DAY DEDICATED TO:
WOLFIE
MOTHER DARLING
AND MY WONDERFUL SISTER ELEANOR

is going dancing...

i love to dane more than anything else. Tonight is out celebration. Feeling the best i can. Tonight is lovely.

childhood dream

One day Rose was cheerfully playing with her favourite doll. She suddenly had a thought. Her thought was "When I grow up I want to look pretty just like my doll. That means I will be happy forever and everyone will love me. My life will be perfect." Now Rose was sad.

Toy town

Aren't we all playing at life? Attempting happies and making toys out of ourselves? I'm not conplaining my toy town is fun!.. Eeverything is colourful, anythin can happen, play what you want. Its better than paying silly games. If I believe in faries and talking lions isn't it better than being genuinly stupid and settlin down to what I expect to be a happy life. I might as well accept toy town lie a chid rather than an adult. Multicoloured lights, ice cream, fying, circus .. do what we wan when we want.It's all childhood innocence. The thing is... I'm not that innocent.
(but I can pretend)

Faith in people

The sun has been shining and I am hoping this is the beginning of my returned good fortune.
Faith in people...
My camera has been handed in! A month later and it's found. Not everyone is bad and maybe it means people aren;t inherently evil... although we all want a michevious side!
I can't stop smiling.
Summer is coming.
I really feel like this is the start of the best time ever. Everything is going well.
A beaitiful world.
...and although Nina Simone will forever be wonderful, today I just feel like muse...

this song will be beautiful in any form... (lets ignore the drugs for now and pretend it is just about summer) and today a beautiful boy singing it makes it even better. :)