New URL : Follow the tumblr

.... ok I gave in...
http://faithinthisthingcalledart.tumblr.com/

I think I am too happy right now to make art?

I think I am too happy right now to make art -  Or at least art that I am used to. If I attempt to cling to the pain it is some kind of inspiration but that is fading every day. I should feel lost but instead I feel found. It is just the getting used to the new.

Enough said

Yesterday I felt like I was going into a  back street abortion clinic to get my "problem" fixed. The result is relief.

On Time and Writers Block

There are fixed points in time when everything changes. It is something that you should get down in words but the words don't explain much. Change is natural. Sometimes it is gradual but the points where they are instant are the only true moments of clarity. When your sure about something. Reason and cosequence. It doesn't mean it won't change again but this shift in the universe means something and it has to mean moving forward. I have been there many before but the constant repetition reaches a breaking point. Writing becomes boring. You have heard it all before. We all have. Trying to get to the actual centre of it all and pinpointing the right phrases is too difficult a task to take on so therefore I don't write. Trying to write creates an itching of the mind because it just isn't coming out in all those complex layers that you want it to. The mind isn't in a sentence. It is confusion and contradiction and conscious and unconscious. A stream of everything and never ever ever ever stops. A waterfall of everything trapped in this small little box. That vast space of thoughts and feelings and urges and longings and emotions all caught up in a little black hole. Communication is a constant struggle. Looking at the sky helps. Standing there with nothing but the world. My face is touching the air. I am in the world. That is what matters.

Interrogation on love a fake reality...

Interrogation on love from Elizabeth Ophelia Alice Rose on Vimeo.

Seperation

I think you know I mean it.
Because everything changes now.
The end of OUR time.
Never alone again.
No endless spaces.
Our past all dried up and cut and tied ends together.
That world before was our universe - we chose to step in or step out but it was always there.
Doesn't exist anymore!
Black holes are your fascination
But the space up their is disappearing faster than you can imagine.
No more living in the stars or being star dust.
I'm optimistic.
I like this newness.
But I am not stupid like you.
Spend too much time thinking and I know this is the end.
It didn't have to be but decisions are only human to get wrong.
You chose to separate you world.
Don't belong anymore.
It is fear. Fear that haunts us.
Gone. No more.
I didn't think it would happen like this.
the breaking of wishes makes life str o n ger.
All I can say
It seems to be fate
No longer combined.
Evermore.

On being twenty

Yesterday I turned twenty.
Twenty years of life.
Breathing this air.
I don't know how I feel.
I didn't want to be twenty.
It terrified me.
I panicked and broke down the day before.
I don't really know why.
Probably because my 19th birthday was the best day of my life.
Because twenty isn't a teenager anymore.
Because life goes so fast.
Because everything changes.
Everything is transient.
But this isn't a bad thing.
It is just fear.
I remember everything about the last ten years of my life so clearly and sometimes I don't feel like I have changed at all. I know I have. But i am still that girl.
I still feel stuck like that sometimes.
I hated being a teenager.
Or at least I don't think I was very happy.
I didn't feel at one.
Or like I fitted in.
I hated school.
I spent two years in mental hospital.
I was sick.
I was depressed.
I fell in love.
I fell out of love.
I fell in love again.
I went up and I went down.
I ate.
I didn't eat.
I cried.
I cried.
I smiled.
I laughed.
I became and artist.
I became an actor.
I grew.
I travelled.
I drew.
I screamed.
I shouted a lot.
I hurt things.
I got hurt.
I hurt myself.
I haven't spent a day doing nothing.
Apart from when I was forced.
I was imprisoned by others / I was trapped by myself.
I achieved.
I found myself.
I lost myself.
It keeps on going.
I drunk.
I drunk to much.
Had bad sex.
Good sex.
Used sex.
I made friends.
I lost friends.
I learnt to talk.
I learnt to listen.
I watched the world.
I still do.
I am changing.
And trying to change for the better.
Made rules.
Broke rules.
Challenged myself.
Always challenged myself.
Grew selfish.
Cared about others.

Change is permanent.
Fear is hard to overcome.
The future is in my hands.
Who knows what twenty means.
I had a great day.

Me at twenty

Truth

"The only constant truth in our universe is change and as sombre and tragic as this may seem it is also quite beautiful..."

Midsummer madness

"Why this is very Midsummer Madness."
                                                     William Shakespeare

The weather may be saying differently but we have reached midsummer and suddenly I feel completley different. I feel a bit magical and perfectly at peace. Everything has been a bit grey and maybe it will remain so but something within me has changed.

Look on to the summer and see and feel all the sensations that I can.
Life is good.
Smile.
Now I am free and can take of and fly wherever I want.
I feel like going now. Just going at life.
So much has changed in the last half a year and now I am feeling like it is for the good.
It is exciting.
I think I know how to live again and feel and think and make decisions and go forwards instead of being stuck in the same place.
This is ephemeral, transient but at the moment it is wonderful.
Time will tell.
My time has started again.
My madness is going away again.
This is light.

Transcript

Do you feel sick if you can't be with me?
Yes
Do you see me in close up?
Yes
Do you love me?
Obviously
I am sorry.
I don't understand?
Are you in love with me? Please tell me.
You know I am completely in love with you.
Why am I not in love with you anymore? Why are you still in love with me?
Because things like love, desire, wants and needs... they change.
But I used to be in love with you and I don't even know when it stopped.
Probably when you realised there is more to life than love.
But I didn't. I don't think there is. I care about love. I really still want to be in love.
What if I never fall in love again?
You will.
I don't think it is that easy... real love!
Maybe you were never really truly in love with me?
No. No. No. I was very definitely in love with you.
Well ask yourself when was the last time you looked at me and said to your self, fuck I really love this person?
I don't know. Well I do. But the feeling was fleeting and it used to be there all the time. I know when I thought "fuck I love this person" but it isn't the same as thinking "fuck I am in love with tis person and I will be forever and I want nothing else."
I am scared.
Of what?
This.

Things have changed

Things have changed
Past still there
But futures different
Looking at you sleeping
Doesn't feel quite right
Not that I don't love you
It is just I'm not sure I care.
A year older.
I feel like I have aged.
The lights aren't turn on
Just the electricity is dim
Skies aren't silver
Not the warmth from within.
I'd lay down my life to protect you my child.
No more earthquakes and stars in the sky.
Life is too short to ask myself why?
It is not that I am running
I love you I do
But life is to great and living too fast
I can't take the chains
My heart is too free
Don't say I am weak
Forever in your arms
My mind grounded
My wings in the stars.

Phoenix

My brains are burning in the desert
My skin blistering, grating, bloody grin.
My mind is boiling and broiling twisted in the midday sun.
Lying in a coma; paralyses from my heart.
The slow way to die...
Can't end in twisted cries.
Maybe if I burn the outside off i will find the inside again.
You lost my mind.
Whimpering little girl. She shouldn't be in the heat. But this will dry up the tears.
Sweat out the weakness. Soak up the pathetic snivels. Be cool again.
Red
Raw
Ruin
My bleeding head will be cured this way.
Drain it dry.
Crack the skin and be born again.
Phoenix

Brief Time. . . No description involved.

Some moments don't seem to fit.

The happening is so stark that your body hits a block and shudders reaching a flash of light or falls in a fiery frozen flush.Just the briefest time spent with someone and their single action effects your soul with so much meaning.

Stranger singing is no abnormality.

No shock in the voice. It is the coincidence that is so consequential. Voices are eternal. Half the time I don't know what the breath is saying even if the sounds are full of meaning. It does't mean anything. The distance is too great.

Displacement from a particular setting is the disturbing item.
I can't describe what I heard even though I am sure you will find the sounds familiar. It was the timing that mattered and that is far gone. Lost in the past.

One has to ask is this an omen?

YES

I am no longer going to say NO to anything. I am going to do EVERYTHING. I am going to LIVE. To fill EVERY minute.

NO more SATURDAY nights alone crying with my broken heart.
EVERYone will know the real me... HOWEVER UGLY

I am going to spend MONEY
LIVE
DANCE
DO
push myself
no push myself
taste everything

No more living for THAT happiness
Find NEW happiness / or maybe not just try

I may come out of it with nothing
BUT i need to do this now
IT MAY be an EVITA case.
I am young
Free
SAY YES



See what happens.
I AM not saying it is right.

(p.s no asking for sexual favours!)

Edie

I have been writing this blog for over a year and I still haven't been able to bring myself to post about Edie Sedgwick. I think it is because I would struggle to emphasise quite what this girl means to me or how much she means to me and why. Anyway here she is `:

Watching these videos completely overwhelms me with emotion. I cannot even watch all of the screen test. I think in the last year or so I have forgotten what my soul is. I have only moved slightly away, so tiny that I didn't realise, but I haven't been me.

I wrote my destiny in patchwork..

I do not expect to be a mother by Tracey Emin 2002

The way we think of ourselves, the way we present ourselves, the way we make oursleves... It is like being trapped. Stuck in the world of our lives. It is fear.  Fear of the unexpected or the softening of oneself, of love or change. Fear of it turning out differently. This life we write for ourselves ... is it some kind of prison?

D- Day ..DOWN WITH THE GOVERMENT!

Ok so parliament voted on tuition fees and suprise suprise... as we all knew they had and have the power to win the battle (as of yet!). It defenately comes as no shock that the ridiculous british goverment that is the tory-lib coalition today chose to save their own Eton arses and not back the people.

You have to ask the question" is this really a free country?" ... when clearly what the mass and vast vast majority of the population thinks is NOT represented by our leaders.

The vote won with 323 to 302 votes .... yes a narrow loss... but that doesn't matter... it is a loss anyway and a loss of rights, of culture, knowledge, privilege and peace.

What can we do?
One answer really... this means war! The goverment has declared its self as an enemy to the people and we the people must take our country and prove that we have the balls, the intelligence and we do enfact have the power. We are not ants to be stamped on. We have our brains and we want our education. The goverments war (Iraq) mess is not our fault or our choice... the money must come from their pockets (the goverment- yes labour as well!). Consider the money spent on the royal wedding? The govermental members stylists! (for crying out loud!)? The houses? Their luxurious food? ... this is not important and a disgrace. The people must rule!

POWER TO THE PEOPLE
DOWN WITH THE GOVERMENT
CAPILIST CUNTS
ANARCHY IN THE UK

theatre in subtitle

Last night I set off on another Barbican adventure to see Shun-Kin by Complicite.
A story of blinding light and darkness I really didn't know what I was in for.
The play really hit and touched me on a number of levels.... for a start the very fact that I never imagined it to be NOT IN ENGLISH! shocked me. How narrow minded i am! How lazy! The neon subtitles forced the audience to work hard shifting their gaze from the bright to the dark... minds woking fast trying not to miss a word or a scene. The stark contrat of the modern light and the dakness and ancientness of the story hinting at the complexity of the modern world. The cocoon of electricity playing against the blanket of shadows... which is more repressive?
The story.. one of blindess.. the audiene loosing their language.. the players their sight . A play about a woman's life time- "Shun-KIn" but in reality the story of her guide, slave and lover Sasuke. A story of the senses and of time. What is love? Is it harsh ... S and M? The vunerability and reliance of a master or the utter devotion of a slave?
What is love... to blind one self? Or would you blind yourself for love?
The complexity of love is revealed in its closeness to violence. A beauty or and ugliness who can tell? The story was troubling even at the most basic level but who are we to judge? All our lives are intertwined with darkness and light.
Stemming from traditional Japanese culture it questioned the past and future. What is right and where we are heading. The link betwee technology and the play was obvious... the play was reliant on technology yet it seemed to pity it.
Can we know fully live our lives noticing the magic and loveliness or are we tooo blinded?
Who knows?
What do you think?...

























The trailer for the japenense film of the same story (not as stylised)...

... A must watch in Japanese!

first day of the next three years of my life...

Ok so here it begins. The first day of my BA Fine Art degree at CSM. How do I feel?
.... I will be honest:
1. I have been excited for a ver long time at the prospect.
2. Lucky
3. . . but I must say it has suddenly hit me... I am incredibly scared of being trapped into something of not being free and at the end of the day shit ..three more year of a system.
4. Scared at how much my life/ I may change affecting important aspects of my life.
5. Happy to be being an artist.
6. Intrigued as to what this journey will involve.
7. Prepared to work hard.
8. Looking forward to meeting amazing people.
9. Worried about money.
10. Worried about time.
11. Fear at not succeeding.
12. Tired.
13. Hating the rain.

.... but here goes all I can really say is live my life.

The Tower

THE TOWER
Basic Card Symbols

A tower on a rocky outcrop, a powerful bolt of lightning, one or two figures falling from the tower, sometimes waves crashing below.

Basic Tarot Story

As the Fool leaves the throne of the Goat God, he comes upon a Tower, fantastic, magnificent, and familiar. In fact, The Fool, himself, helped build this Tower back when the most important thing to him was making his mark on the world and proving himself better than other men. Inside the Tower, at the top, arrogant men still live, convinced of their rightness. Seeing the Tower again, the Fool feels as if lightning has just flashed across his mind; he thought he'd left that old self behind when he started on this spiritual journey. But he realizes now that he hasn't. He's been seeing himself, like the Tower, like the men inside, as alone and singular and superior, when in fact, he is no such thing. So captured is he by the shock of this insight, that he opens his mouth and releases a SHOUT! And to his astonishment and terror, as if the shout has taken form, a bolt of actual lightning slashes down from the heavens, striking the Tower and sending its residents leaping out into the waters below.

In a moment, it is over. The Tower is rubble, only rocks remaining. Stunned and shaken to the core, the Fool experiences grief, profound fear and disbelief. But also, a strange clarity of vision, as if his inner eye has finally opened. He tore down his resistance to change and sacrifice (Hanged man), then broke free of his fear and preconceptions of death (Death); he dissolved his belief that opposites cannot be merged (Temperance) and shattered the chains of ambition and desire (The Devil). But here and now, he has done what was hardest: destroyed the lies he held about himself. What's left is the bare, absolute truth. On this he can rebuild his soul.

Basic Tarot Meaning

With Mars as its ruling planet, the Tower is a card about war, a war between the structures of lies and the lightning flash of truth. The Tower, as Wang points out, stands for "false concepts and institutions that we take for real." When the Querent gets this card, they can expect to be shaken up, to be blinded by a shocking revelation. It sometimes takes that to see a truth that one refuses to see. Or to bring down beliefs that are so well constructed. What's most important to remember is that the tearing down of this structure, however painful, makes room for something new to be built.

Thirteen's Observations

No card scares a Tarot reader like the Tower - or the person they're reading for if that person knows anything about Tarot cards. It is however one of the clearest cards when it comes to meaning. False structures, false institutions, false beliefs are going to come tumbling down, suddenly, violently and all at once. What's important to remember as a tarot reader is that the one you're reading for likely does not know that something is false. Not yet. To the contrary, they probably believe that their lover is being faithful, that their religious beliefs are true and right, that there are no problems in their family structure, that everything is fine at work...oh, and that they're fine. Just fine, really.

Alas, they're about to get a very rude awakening. Shaken up, torn down, blown asunder. And all a reader can really do to soften the blow is assure the Querent that it is for the best. Nothing built on a lie, on falsehoods, can remain standing for long. Better to tear it all down and rebuild on the truth. It is not going to be pleasant or painless or easy, but it will be for the best.


THIS WAS MY PAST