We can dance our way through the days and nights...

I forgot what it was to actually be happy without any pain in the back of your head.
I forgot that being with someone could actually help me instead of making me feel like I was getting strangled by torment.
I forgot this was a good thing.

SwanSong

Dappled light plays chords
Swimming swirling patterns on
The skulking listless lake.
She gazes out into mystery.
Her kissless lips seek
Uncomforting rays.
She longs for what she lost far far away.
She lost because it does not exist without her loosing her freedom.
Her feet trapped in entrancement
Beating and binding
Pointing and punctuating the uncomfortable stillness.
Her jerking neck stretching out to the remaining hopeless sun.
Bare skin.
Bare skin.
Exposed to the breeze and the shadows of the crippled trees
Watching and waiting
Whispering to the muddied earth.
She longs to love or be loved.
To feel her feathered wing to be free
To be loved by something beautiful.
Her wildness catches her breath as she swirls and sways.
Her poor madness longing and lusting for touch.
She sings wailing wishes to the watery world.
The world that holds the deep dark desires
Where fished conspire to eat and gnaw at her feelings alive.
She flairs her arms as the gasp at last life.
To feel this bound up
Last fight and flight from the such strife.
The devils last whispers of temptation and fear cast spells on her senses.
Her very last tear.

Her shoes wont stop dancing an emotional death.
Her eyes wont stop streaming
Oceans silently falling
Her turning and kicking
Dancing music of sighing.
The wind in the rushes
The doom in the sky
The love that she feels
Such a burning desire.
A furnace an explosion
Her heart burning up
To die for the love
Of an ephemeral ghost.
A moment of dreaming
To dance not alone.
The drinking of truth from her spirit by God
Her swan is a symbol
A prison of life.
She sinks into deepness
The playing doesn't stop.
Her breath failing
And stopping
Not gasping for life.
She lets herself float higher and higher.
No fighting her fate as she falls darker and darker.
Her mind is the clearest
She knows what she loves
To die for this beauty
The beauty of HER love.

Portraits of you in pieces and destroyed ( that doesn't exist anymore)

The memories are not intact. The dissection apparent. Lobotomy of the part of my mind that was with you. it doesn't matter anymore. The purpose of the portrait is complete. 

Swansong

Personal ongoing project assisted by Eleanor Flynn

"She danced the dying swan to save herself but she never could stop living the fantasy. This was an adult childhood , a way to be free but something stopped her from breathing. The innocence was not real. "

Tears

I cry. I cry a lot. It overwhelms me. I feel my body crying from my heart. It chokes me. I cry at you. I cry at you all the time. But just now I cried at a film. I sat here staring at the screen and I cried. Tears came. Tears came out of my eyes and then they turned to tears of joy. I cried at something that wasn't you. I have my soul back. I have feelings again. I am full. Full of tears for everything. Normal beautiful tears.

Ever

When am I going to stop crying?
When am I going to stop walking around with a broken heart?
Am I ever going to recover from this?
This is wasting my life.
Good memories are not happy anymore.
Ever.

Violet eyes

What closed hearts we have.
Who truly understands themselves and tells how they truly are?
To say I feel
Or to act the way they know?
To see your tears -
The one who knows my little limbs and shone into those violet eyes.
Violet eyes - first sight was you.
To say I know you!
But to know the world...
Give it all to you in an instant,
You gave it to me.
Please stop and see
Your good heart.
My breathe would not exist without your blood
Yet your heart set fire to my mind.
Remember painting the sky?
The wind can save you.
Time for us three.

Phoenix

My brains are burning in the desert
My skin blistering, grating, bloody grin.
My mind is boiling and broiling twisted in the midday sun.
Lying in a coma; paralyses from my heart.
The slow way to die...
Can't end in twisted cries.
Maybe if I burn the outside off i will find the inside again.
You lost my mind.
Whimpering little girl. She shouldn't be in the heat. But this will dry up the tears.
Sweat out the weakness. Soak up the pathetic snivels. Be cool again.
Red
Raw
Ruin
My bleeding head will be cured this way.
Drain it dry.
Crack the skin and be born again.
Phoenix

Stupid love songs...

To smile is to see you smile.
You saved me.
A thousand times you saved me,
                                   plucked me from hell and filled me with love;
Burning passion and love.
Burning, burning passion and desire.
Like fire you destroy but ignite.
Ignite life and fill my soul with the living.

To Live and To Love.

Oh joy
Oh tears
Oh heart

What heart?
This heart that beats in time with yours.
A drum,
A living orchestra of syllables!
                You make me feel
                 You make me feel one.
Agitation dissipates as I feel wholeness, oneness, peace.
Wholeness through your breath.
Heat that sighs and smoulders,
Smiling streams of beauty.

Words unjust, words a mere humiliation! - there is too much that only I or you know.
Pictures locked in dreams and memories,
Hanging relics of our actions,
But always love.

For what is love?
This is questionable.
We have our youth, our hearts, our minds, our lives to see but this breath you give is Love.
Oh to love,
Oh to see and feel !
To taste the same air and the same moment.
Oh this love!
It is to fall .
It is to fly.

surreal dreams or reality?.. and the case of the stabbed heart....

I always have vivid dreams.. always have (hopefully - because what would life be without them?) always will! Even so, recentley my dreams have taken a far more obvious turn. My daily life is all too apparent. Every night without fail my dreams are heavily linked to my reality providind a macabre twist on the real and presenting the worrying question of why? ... Is my brain fnding the every day too hard to handle? or is my conscious and subconscious intertwining evermore into a world filled of madness.
Anyway mostly these dreams have been interesting/ disturbung / odd but perhaps usual/ handleable / not that affecting but one of them is sending my mind on a turn for the worst. This however may not be the dreams fault but the reality. ..
Ok so now for the case of the stabbed heart. I live very near an extrememlet large sainsbury's and visit it nearly every day. There is an archway that you walk through to get to it. I walk through this archway normally battling heaps of people, tramps, rain... ok it is not the nicest of places but a couple of day ago I was walking through and there on the grate beside me was a heart. A very large real hear onnected to several other organs from god knows what. It lay on the gate dripping blood looking like this great heaving mes and in the centre sicking up out of it was a knife, a silver knife. Now the heart didn't suprise mett much thre are llotsof halal butcer around and I frequently see trucks full of carcsses and here the meat knives grinding bones. All teh same it was a stomach churning view and I quickly hurried by hoping it would be cleared up. However, this image is haunting me! The next day it was still there (yesterday) and I seemed to be the only one that noticed it, a big puddle of bloody rain around it. It seems so symbolic, the question is raised is it really symbolic? Is this a message? Who knows but to me it seems an incredibly bad omen!
Anyway last night was a tough one. The fire alarms jammed and they wouldn't sto. My sleep was broken and frequent and I had many dreams all obviously connected to my day. The wierdest and most haunting however was one hard to describe. I was in a world though surrounded by vains and throbbing muscles and membranes thy wher alive and swallowing peopleup. Thehart ws spreading with all it's sinewy tissue everywhere and was a thing of great fear. Cannibals reighned and people walked about like zombies. I was on some kind of quest that I cannot remember clearly but one things for sure. This heart is affecting me. I can't go to sainsbury's, I cant stop thinkning about it, I feel contantly nervous sick and on the edge and have a strong sense of impending doom. I am even beginning to question whether it was ever actually there?
.... After all impailed hearts wouldn't exactly be all that alien to me. My art having a strong link which I do not fully understand....

dragged heart