Tiredness

I am so tired. Everything is just seeping out of me and I don't know where it  is going. The word draining is an understatement. It is like everything is beign sucked from your body and the shell hardly knows how to move any more. I don't know why I feel so tired. I think it is the grey weather. I always feel like this. Like I have to force myself to move. And I do. I am feeding an insaciable furnace. I just can't get enough oxygen. Some parasite is eating my flesh and my voice and my life from me. I can't keep up. I do. But I can't.
Everything seems ot come out and nothing stays in. I sleep I am tired. I eat and I eat and I eaty and nothing happens. I thin k my body i splaying a sick joke but it hurts. I am doing everything in my power to stay a float and I AM. Because I will never ever ever give up. Rest isn't something that helps. It is just that feeling of rotting and sufficating and everything is buzzing in my head. I don't feel like I am doing anything and I just keep on and on and on. Pne day I will have to catch up.
 I need to live in a country with constant sunlight. I think I feed of the warmth. It is just so damn cold and I don't like being in a dark hole. the wierd thing is I am happy. Just without energy. It makes happiness harder.
I want to be able to be fully there and fully with it for everyone.

A little bit of sun

Winter is some dark cloud and I can't crawl out of that hole.
Summer sun is a glimpse of what can be.
Light streaming through windows marks out hope.
The future is great.
Busy people can step out and breathe.

We loose ourselves.

Sighing swathed in light we sing.
My eyes can open again.
My heart knows its path.
Fly away.
Fly into now.





Riding through this glimpse of summer
My darkness is hinting at light.
Out of that pit that seemed so endless
This new light is wonderful.
Singing to the music.
What music?
This music.
My heart is free again
My mind is open and
Blue skies make me want to live new again.
Live not for the night or the stars or the darkness
But for this blinding day!
God you are so beautiful.
I just want to laugh.

Birthday tarts for the the queen of hearts. :)

Happy Birthday to my wonderful, beautiful sister Eleanor.
She is 17 today and we had a great time together picknicking and eating cake in patisserie valerie :)
Eleanor as always looked stunning and sophisticated, I on the other hand massively failed as I frogot to pack my outfit and had to wear my sweaty gym clothes. Oh well there is more to life than jumpsuits and the sun certainly made up for it.
I wonder what she wished for?

My present

make a wish

wished...

I do like a nice bit of eclair :)

... for all the times I had to endure the Simpson's when I lived at home and Eleanor ruled the TV. BIG LOVE

Un Chien Andalucia

back and notes on bulls and bloodshed....

I am back from holidaying in Andalucia and have an infinite list of posts to start on and many photos that need uploading...

I had a fantastic time with Alex and my family; it was peaceful and happy and sunny and very hard to come back. Holidays seem to take away any worries and you seem to live in a world of perfection. The holiday bought everyone closer and I think even self discovery... stepping away is a necessity.

I think I need to write about one thing first...
BULL FIGHTS!!
On a trip to Malaga we managed to visit a real life bullfight. I wanted to see it, Alex wanted to see it... everyone did apart from my sister.. but she was just nervous.
Bull fights are a contreversial subject... bloody, cruel, patriotic, majestical, ceremonial... it was all of these things.
Personally I do not think it is right. I didn't quite know how I would feel but it defenately had an affect on me.
Sitting in the ring we were surrounded by spanish people, the mood was high, live musicians played spanish music... everything was defeantely happy, pure and wonderful. The start was ceremonial, beautiful and proud. The matadors strong, majestical and heroic but as soon as the first bull was released an overwhelming sadness came over me. It was so small, pitiful and humbling. it wasn;t this angry beast I was expecting. I immediately started feeling what I thought it was feeling...
Pain as it's skin was stabbed...exhaustion, humilation, weakness as the matador prodded it urging to fight. This bull was too effeminate, too lovely.. I imagined it's friends, it;s paretns... this wasn't a bull who wanted to fight... it just wanted a hug?
The matador jeered as it watched it die... this bull died for human pride.. an unworthy cause.
My sister, Alex and my Mother were concerened but excited, desperate for more.... it wasn't personal... I stayed but it made me angry ... there is nothing I could no about it!
The next two bulls were stronger more fierce, there pain didn;t hurt me nad the matador's fantastic but I still can;t condone this sport. Yes it is traditional, beautiful, and brings the peopele together but we live in a modern world which is searching for freedom. Animals are now seen as worthy beings with rights... yes we eat animals... but I am not sure anyone enjoys there killing.
I think spain needs to find a new way of keeping the glory of the matador but not the bullish behaviour.

everybody's going to be happy

and i can't wait for summer and this feeling to go on for ever and ever because baby you got me.
I can see country and sunshine and i like towns and cities, crying in the rain, I like everything and I LOVE LIFE.

sweetness

I never thought I would be this happy. It is utter contentement. I simply had such a lovely day. So much about my life has changed. I feel unbeleiveably lucky. Who would have thought I would have been doing this. Who would have thought I would be so head over heals?
Who would have thought every one around me could see how happy I am.
I feel like I have been set free. We are alive.

Summer is here. Sitting in covent garden ( ok we froze to death) a picnic and just all the people I love. How can I be so calm? Why do I want this to happen... How can such a family affair make me so happy. Maybe it;s the contrast or maybe it;s just the fact I love him. Is it scary? Yes!!! And I fuck up so much
I'm not this person... but maybe I am. Love conquers all so they say.
And here's to Van Gogh!

A DAY DEDICATED TO:
WOLFIE
MOTHER DARLING
AND MY WONDERFUL SISTER ELEANOR

Faith in people

The sun has been shining and I am hoping this is the beginning of my returned good fortune.
Faith in people...
My camera has been handed in! A month later and it's found. Not everyone is bad and maybe it means people aren;t inherently evil... although we all want a michevious side!
I can't stop smiling.
Summer is coming.
I really feel like this is the start of the best time ever. Everything is going well.
A beaitiful world.
...and although Nina Simone will forever be wonderful, today I just feel like muse...

this song will be beautiful in any form... (lets ignore the drugs for now and pretend it is just about summer) and today a beautiful boy singing it makes it even better. :)