Amy

I know there are lots of mixed opinions about Amy Winehouse and lots of tragedy in the world but no   one can fail to pay there respects to this extremely talented girl on the news of her death. It is a tragedy. A tragedy caused by the world we live in, addiction, emotion, passion, creation and life. We don't know the causes. Amy had a lot of lovers and fans but people were cruel. A victim of the world of celebrity.
  I was in Tesco when I heard the news (it came on the TV screens at Liverpool street) and I must admit I am devastated. The music (as well as the person) has been a big influence in my life. There was a point when I would listen to her continuously every day for almost a year. Mainly to dance to, to deal with my own problems, to be with people, just to relax. "Back to black" is probably my most listened to album ever.   It came out when I was in hospital for the second time and "Rehab" was a song that we could laugh too. There we were stuck in "Rehab" and, well, it just made everything a bit lighter. Amy was also in the news a lot then.. and we were all interested. She had similarities with us that we could connect to. Obsess over. Anything. Most of all though, I really did love her music. It "feels" so much. You can "feel" her.
  I hope Amy is at peace now, like so many troubled people I know that have died young, hopefully this means the torment has ended. It makes me think of all those wonderful people : Lorry, Fran, Joe, Kate  and all the rest I know who are still struggling with life. "Only the good die young" . Thank you for making me stronger.

Ever

When am I going to stop crying?
When am I going to stop walking around with a broken heart?
Am I ever going to recover from this?
This is wasting my life.
Good memories are not happy anymore.
Ever.

It is in the eyes

Burton knows how to create something beautiful. The haunted. The lost.  The strange. The gothic. The sad. The unrequited. The romanic. Johnny Depp as Edward Scissorhands.

Old Man

Old man living lost inside your poor sleeping head.
Old man lying frail in your hospital bed.
Wires coming in and wires coming out.
Blood pouring in and pain pouring out.

Strong fighting man never forgotten.
Memories of men still remain.
I listen to your giggle,
childlike cries.
Your life almost over what "Life" still stays?

I can't bear this.
It isn't right.
Keep fighting. For what?
Simply for fight!

Young once.
We say "What a shame!"
Loved by many.
Still loved the same.

Pray forever that the end is near.
If only we could but the end is fear.

To just drift of in peace instead of this pain.
But so scared that this life is just lost  "tears in rain".

Your life lives so much better than mine.
Tell your stories trapped in your weakening brain.
I am so young so scared of age.
If you really knew about me would you be ashamed?

We are all so worried.
Mean thoughts mean't well - wishing for the end.
Tears in mum's eyes suck up dry.
Her strength remains.
Please don't cry.

Everything so endless.
Tired old man.
Death so confusing,
Your still fighting the facts.

Is this it ?
All thats left?
Is the end nothing?
Empty something?

Cared for like a baby,
Father turned son.
Continuing cycle.
Eternal sun.

Bloodied tissues.
Humiliating sighs.
Will the world give you mercy?
Weary old man.

A story of a city

Sitting in the dark, the walls wallowed in her misery. A crack in the corner caressed the foul odour of her stale tears. The starless sky beckoned at her heart as she stared stuck in solitude out of her dusty window.

  She no longer knew what she wanted - or she wanted nothing. Everything had been lost. She had been completely devoured by her heart. Memories taunted her as if to deliberately remind her of what she had lost. She had felt so whole and so, so very free. For the first time in her life she had felt she was not alone; her soul had been complete. This was in the past. 

   The street lamps cast an ugly light on the greasy rotten street below; the street below that had become her life. The street where she had spent the only time she could ever remember joy. 

  She got up, took a few tender steps to the door. One. Two. Three. her body wasn't working right. Too drained of life but still she forced herself on. All she wanted was to get out there and attempt some kind of new freedom or at least end this prisoners existence. Nobody came anymore. She used to eagerly wait. Waiting to here his footsteps as they ran up the dirty stairway. Now they were empty of any noise. Sometime her heart still skipped a beat as she imagined she heard something; What evil hope teased her. Nothing ever came. 

 One foot in front of the other she levered herself down the stairs. A few more steps to go. She pushed her way outside on to the squalid street and stood for a second. The air stung at her skin. London was no place for her anymore. She began to run. The pain didn't feel like anything anymore. Faster and faster bare footed along the filthy bloodstained pavement she flew. Clarity filled her mind and a stream of light reeled her path. She was sure she was following something. Some sort of discovery.

 Onwards she pushed passing once familiar sights and structures. A place that once excited her had become so bland and grey but now there was definitely a light. The sky seemed to fill with stars. Beautiful shimmering stars and she felt as if she was soaring above everything.  A white space filled her mind and sound, glorious sound flooded her ears. Now that place was so so close. 

  When she was a little girl she had believed in fairytales. A year  ago she had believed in fairytales and fairies and life! That had been crushed by blackness. Her reality was coming back to her. She looked down to earth and she saw water. clear water and at the bottom was a beautiful city. The city was unlike anything on earth. It was fresh and clean and uncontaminated by anything human. There were people but they were shining creatures and the looked happy. More than happy. They looked natural. This was where the light was coming from. She just had to reach it. She knew if she could become that pure then she would be really truly free. The city was full of love. Truth, beauty, freedom and love. This was her chance to escape. Shut the door on her past and welcome her eternity. She just had to be strong enough to pass this last door. 

 She glanced back. Blackness. She was running from a horrible storm and there was one way out. It swirled and beckoned. The darkness was still trying to seduce her. Convince her that there was excitement in that cruel world. Then she saw him. Standing there. A slight smile on his pale lips. Standing tall in the middle of the raging winds. Her heart juddered. He whispered. The words reverberating through her body " I will always be here to protect your heart." From there it all became easy.

  I no longer looked backwards but only forwards at what was beyond the water. There I would truly belong. This humanity was all a lie and beyond lay peace. I stood tall and straight for a few moments. One . Two. Three. " I will always love you!" and jumped. Symphonies filled my ears and I knew finally I had found life.

chalk circle...notes on blood shed.

Bloody battle
Bitter battle
Bruised and used
Matador Murdor
Crimson curtain sweeps and swoops
Tricking and taunting
Images haunting.

Tradition is tragedy
Blood glistens
Crystals dancing
Beating and tapping
Twisting and turning
Cheering and choking.

Bloody battle
Bitter battle
Stupid Fucking Futile Battle.

Muscles scream
Blood pouring
Sinews twisting
Fighting
Floating.

Stamping stench
A silent scream
Beg
Whisper
Proud flash of hatred human
Harmful human
Haughty headed handsome human.

Laugh at sport
Growing power
Feel the burn
Another turn.

Bloody battle
Bitter battle
Fucking Futile Stupid Battle.

Greedy man
Angry horn
Forced fight
Dance and prance
Step and skip
Leading
Luring
Evil trap.

Sword glistens
Hidden tall
Cowardly escape
from death or fate.

Blade raised
Bull dazed
Final moment
Horn pushes
Down
Down
Beast beaten
Stumbling deeper

Fight over
Beast life wasted
Walks away
Humble beauty.

Red pouring
Silent screaming
Man winning
Man gleaming
Crowd cheering
Brutal beauty.

Bull down
Peace enters
No respect
No final wishes
Carcass dragged
Thrown to feast on
Human wins
Human sins.

Bloody battle
Bitter battle
Fucking Futile Stupid Battle
Wasted life
Wasted life
Fucking Futile Fucked up Battle.

disease

I don't know quite how to start or what to say, how to express how I feel or what I feel... I am not entirely sure.
Another life cut short, another beauty always remembered, another wonderful girl taken by an evil illness.
Mental illness is little unerstood and even more misunderstood.
I spent alot of my early teens trapped in a world I didn't understand, caught in the grip of what can be broadley described as anerexia. I never feel this title can quite be defined and what it means is not definitive, all I know is it is sadness. I spent a good two years in impatient hospital living in what I percieved to be hell being controlled and manipulated by firstly my thoughts and then the people around me "helping me". There were times when I didn't want to go on... everything that mattered to me it seemed was being taken away... I wanted to be nothing... I was made to be something.. but something I didn't want to be and then nothing again.... not me!
As humans we are surronded by slogans and articles in the media about weight and beauty that sadly lead anerexia to seem shallow or a life choice. Celebrities are branded anerexic for being thin when really this has little to do with it... they are not commiting suicide .. fr them it is life.
It is deadly cycle hard to escape .. living a life of starvation and depression, fighting a system, two mids, one hated body.. it can seem there is little else important than that... no world beyond anerexia, death and hospital.
This is not about my story or what is right or wrong however it is a thank you a relfection on how lucky I am. I saw m life, I saw what I wanted, I fought and I fight and continue fighting. I love my life... I chose to live each day battlng my thouhts, learning to accept, to love food, trying to loose obsessions but I can see I can see how easily this could not have been how strong the illness is, how deceptive and how hard everything is to believe.
This i a rememberence to all I knew who have sadly passed away to anerexia and depression. How I dream they are set free and a wish to all those I don't know and all who are still suffering.
Much love
Effy
xxx

stability... or the lack of

I wish I wasn't so volatile.. I wis didn't have the ablity to ruin my day.. my week ... my year.
I wish I didn't worry so much. I wish I liked myself. I wish I didn't want to change everything. I wish it didn't affect me so much. I wish I didn't have obsessions. I wish I was sane. I wish I wish I wish....
.... you see
I wish I wasn't me!