Christmas past

A note on christmas..
It is gone and over yet the shops still play the festive tunes. They don't make me feel happy any more . Christmas is over. Not that it really felt like it ever began.
I don't remeber a happy christmas. Not really. (I must stop writing in these short sentences but it is the way it feels right.) Of course I remember a happy christmas when i was tiny but then Christmas was nothing to do with me. I didn't have complicated in my life, there wasn't confusion, convultion, contradiction.
I like the lights leading up to christmas and I like the feeling of chritmas in the air. I like being with people I love at christmas but i seem to love the wrong people and I'm just not one of those family girls. Apparently I can't fit in. Well I'm never going to if you keep telling me... it isn't my fault I am different from you. I just feel so RESTLESS. And i do bad things.. and I think bad things... and the only reason I can think of for doing then is to emphasise how uncomfortable I feel. To emphasise how being at home or what should be my home is the wrong thing and living my life for me is the right. I am essentially selfish but I still care about people. But what exactly is wrong with being myself.
The problem isn't that I don;t get on with my family.. well I don't. But I do! You see its just when I am living with them. I am so sure of myself and they can take everything out on me. Because I am that one person who isn't quite a child any more. Who can take it? I suppose.
I don;t really care about presents anymore... I mean i need the things i need and I love pretty things but they don;t make me happy when i feel so restless.
I don't believe in christianity.. so I can't sit there and celebrate Jesus' birthday.. even though i think its a lovely thing. I can't stand religion. I get frustrated at the views and the beleifs and the ridiculous hope.
I hate christmas dinner... I hate beign fed up.. I hate the putting on weight that seems to be so expected.. I think everyone ese thinks there is something wrong wiht being thin. Yes there is. But not if its the way you are supposed to be!
I love my family.. I really do. just happy to be back where I want to be. Where I can be an adult.. or behave like a child without anyone worrying. Happy to be back. And so so so happy for the new year.
xxx