BOY tape

On Friday a rather drunken self attended Club BOY london. Whereas the original picture (courtesy of Stephane Raynor - founder of BOY) is rather cringe worthy... if not hilarious! ... because of my rosy cheeks and rather sleezy grin.... coming to get ya!  .. I LOVE the tape (courtesy of BOY) and I love the photograph... Hope no body minds me using it....

,,,,and all get down to BOY

First fashion week party... Haute vs Shabba-dabba-da

Alice fell down the rabbit hole

Alice fell down the Rabbit hole
Longer and LONGER AND LONGER...
Everything changed.
Twisting and turning
Turning and twisting
                    Twirling dreams
Skipped heartbeats.

Adventure began.

Eyes opened
Smaller and bigger
Fatter and thinner
Riddles of hearts and questions of living?
Ticking clocks
Time stops!
Tick tock tick tock
Turn the lock
Open the door and step right through
Worlds of mirrors and sinners and winners
Big black bows looped through your thinking
The story unknown
The future unfolding.

pants on fire...

Gwyneth in Glee...

Ha ha I hate glee... but god this rocks! Gwyneth Paltrow is amazing and it just feels great. I had to post it... and the song is amazing :)
Brilliant!

for the readers (I am sorry for the shock)

For you people who read my last post (looks like there were a lot of you) I am sorry if it seems to much. I realise it is not the wisest thing to do but it is my wisest option. For me. It is the only way I can move one.
I need to have it there and I need people to know so that I can't brush it all under the carpet as soon as I get lonely. Which obviously I am right now. I need it there so that I can NEVER EVER go back. I need it there so he doesn't make me go back. I need it there to read and to clarify my thoughts.

BUT

this is not all doom and gloom. I don't need any anger or shock. I don't need any hate at Alex... just support for me. I don't know who he is. We both pressed destruct from the beginning. We are but human and we damage. I hope that he as well as me can learn from this..

on an even more positive note fashion week is awesome and I had an amazing time last night with the wonderful Tim Holloway who is proving to be a fantastic friend. Gin was on tap. Fashion galore. The best DJ's... and they did play NIRVANA. The best venues. The nicest people.....
The funnest people.
The people at tank and the OSMAN party... you are amazing.
I got pretty high on drink and who would have guessed it - was first on the pole - but thy all embraced it. There was blood and breakages but boy did we have fun
Then everyone at sketch just beautiful. Table dancing with the DJ's... last nights atmosphere was wild
See life is looking up.
I can do it on my own.... can't wait to more party's.

because I have no way of getting this out

It is the end. The end. The end.
I fell in love with a boy.. you all know who he is.
He broke me.
I have to write this down because I have to get it out. I can't tell anyone because I am too embarrassed. Too embarrassed at my stupidity. Too embarrassed at my worthlessness. Too embarrassed that I believed someone could actually love me.
I don't know the person who loved me. I never did. He is one big lie and I will never know all the truth.
He fashioned himself into someone like me. Someone who I thought was my soul mate. Someone who I thought had saved me. Someone who I would have laid down my life for.
The problem was ... it was wrong.
I was scared the whole time... because I knew some things. I knew he was with someone else when I met him. I knew he had two girlfriends . I found out six months into our relationship that he was still seeing her but I blamed myself. I wrote it off as my fault for not being open enough with him. Not showing him how much I needed him. Not showing him enough love. It was my fault for being a bad girlfriend.

After that I believed he had changed. I thought we would be together for ever. It scared me but I loved him passionately and violently. Everything was tooo much. I was scared though. Still scared and my behaviour would show it. I was irrational and crazy... my emotions will always control me. Scared of being trapped scared of not being free... but god did I love him.

I loved him just didn't;t quite know how to get it out.

We would fight. We would fight. We would fight. I would play games. He would play games.
Drama . Drama. Drama. But I thrived on it, it was exciting passionate. I felt alive. It was acting I think that is what he didn't understand.

I thought he loved me. In reality ..for him the behaviour was too much.
He got carried away. And for him everything was too complex to understand.

He was violent. He raped me countless times (I laid it down to passion) . Made me cut myself. Try to take my own life at least three times. Made my family believe he was a nice person. He tried to kill me. He would hit me (yes I hit him too) . Stifled me. Chased me. Possessed me. He was ridiculously jealous and I kept trying to run. But I loved him. Reason is so hard!

We had many nights involving the police. Many  nights involving loosing everything. Being totally irresponsible. He is a drug addict. LAZY. Has no ambition... her pretends too!

He tied me down and every now and the I would run.

Yes I had sex with someone else. I had too . I had too prove my freedom. He said he forgave me. Came running. I thought everything would be ok...

Then there was more police.

He made me ill... or at least he is making me iller.

Then he lied more. He has now been seeing another girl for the last couple of weeks and still denies it. He is incapable of telling thee truth. I find out more and more hurtful things everyday.

I will never be good enough.
I am not good enough.
I am worth nothing.
The END

I still love him
He made me happy.
Please someone give me a magic wand

because this is the end/

Happy Birthday Kurt Cobain

I actually think I love him.. maybe my only true love.
First ever single :

I found my inner bitch and ran with her

"I found my inner bitch and ran with her."  (Courtney Love)

That was the longest messiest break-up ever. I hope it is over...

Stupid love songs...

To smile is to see you smile.
You saved me.
A thousand times you saved me,
                                   plucked me from hell and filled me with love;
Burning passion and love.
Burning, burning passion and desire.
Like fire you destroy but ignite.
Ignite life and fill my soul with the living.

To Live and To Love.

Oh joy
Oh tears
Oh heart

What heart?
This heart that beats in time with yours.
A drum,
A living orchestra of syllables!
                You make me feel
                 You make me feel one.
Agitation dissipates as I feel wholeness, oneness, peace.
Wholeness through your breath.
Heat that sighs and smoulders,
Smiling streams of beauty.

Words unjust, words a mere humiliation! - there is too much that only I or you know.
Pictures locked in dreams and memories,
Hanging relics of our actions,
But always love.

For what is love?
This is questionable.
We have our youth, our hearts, our minds, our lives to see but this breath you give is Love.
Oh to love,
Oh to see and feel !
To taste the same air and the same moment.
Oh this love!
It is to fall .
It is to fly.

RAWWRRRR

horns

Invocation of my demon brother

A film by Kenneth Anger
Music by Mick Jagger


Kenneth Anger is an underground experimental film maker, actor and artist. His work is influenced by the surreal, the occult and the homoerotic... this particular piece emerging from the hippie scene in America and the then legal LSD. A shorter work than Lucifer Rising... watch and enjoy.

Eros

Let us all be wounded by Eros' arrow and fall passionately, deeply and desperately in love.

A Quote:

"They do not love that do not show their love. The course of true love never did run smooth.
Love is a familiar. Love is a devil. Their is no evil angel but love."

.... LONG LOVE SHAKESPEARE ... the greatest lover of them all.


... my love band of the moment.

That is it for now. Nothing profound. Happy Valentines.
I am ill ill ill... but forever in love
xxx

Tom's midnight garden...

Where fairytales happen

As the bull

As the bull
Flew
Blew
Fiery fists
Missed kicks
As the bull she knew.
Horns glared
Anger dared
fear more passionate the reason ...she knew
She grew
She grew
As a charging, alarming fury of feeling
Her eyes they were weeping
Wounds ripped and seeping
Nostrils flare
No reason to care
Redness and blackness and darkness and blindness
Her motifs not fair
Sink deeper despair.
The bones push through bleeding
Transformation of meaning
Meaning of heartbeat
Of music
Of lightning
Oh how she flew through she flew past as lightning
Scratching and taring and biting and swiping
Fight to the dead
Loosing my head
No way to mend
A road to one end
Uncontrollable destruction
Life without function

Alexander McQueen a year on.

Today remember the genius of Alexander McQueen a year after his suicide. His work will always astound me and others. An artistic masterpiece himself...
A beautiful video tributed to him by Nick Knight:

Untitled (work in progress) A first video

A first attempt at trying to get some of what I feel down on film. A feeble attempt, with very rough footage, no technical skill whatsoever and "I-movie" is rubbish... if anyone can help me out with some better software that would be much appreciated

After Mapplethorpe 2 (work in progress)

Please look up Robert Mapplethorpe self portrait with horns if you don't know it...

after mapplethorpe (work in progress)

Self portrait (work in progress) referencing Robbert Mapplethorpe

                                                (the glare needed to go)

Black Swan

God, this film is breathtaking! Beautiful, stark, raw, powerful and disturbing in all honesty I couldn't move for about 10 minutes afterwards (I thought I was stuck!)... i have great problems concentrating on anything but I couldn't turn off...

Natalie's acting is just stunning.. if she doesn't get an Oscar I don't know who will...

I really wanted to see this film and to see it at the cinema is a must. Don't however expect an easy ride. Although perhaps unrealistic this film addresses real issues and, for once, there is nothing glamourous about it. The world of ballet and perfectionism, pressure, beauty and art is presented in its entirety as a world for the brilliant but sometimes highly disturbed.

Whereas in Swan Lake Odette kills for her love in the Black Swan Nina (Natalie) is overtaken by deep psychosis, perfectionism and dillusion resulting in her violent death. The film does use special effects but they are beautiful rather than over the top and present the confusion and falling apart of Nina's mind.

Nina is not mad, and not even Schizophrenic (as many seem to put it) her imagination and sub conscious have just taken over, her emotions and behaviour uncontrollable, her reality fleeting and her desire to be perfect all encompassing.

I think this is the key
PERFECTION AND THE DESIRE TO BE PERFECT LEADS TO DESTRUCTION IN THE BRILLIANT.

Natalie's dancing carries the character.. that is all I can say.. anyone trying to criticise her for not being a prima ballerina... well fuck you!

On an emotional level.. this film is transcendent.

Go see....

the rules of attraction

I feel a bit like this at the moment.

On a lighter note...

from this weeks madness...

lets just hope this doesn't happen



although it is amazing

Ghosts

We are but ghosts of beings
Shadowless creatures
Silver hooded mortals
Wispy colourless murmurs
Grasping at empty chances
Our memories are lost in
Night dreams.
Star studded streams
Sacrifice nothing
Breathe on
Breathe the dirty ghoulish air
and half live.
Half live like ghosts.

......

flesh and blood

human fault
we are all naked underneath
THE END

scream

Nightwork

As any followers will know one of my favourite photographers is Robbert Mapplethorpe. Two years ago I was introduced to his work at Frieze Art Fair and then went to see an exhibition "A Season in Hell" at the Alison Jaques Gallery.
  Therefore I was really excited to here that there would be another exhibition of his work this year at the same gallery.
"ROBERT MAPPLETHORPE: NIGHT WORK curated by the Scissor Sisters "
is on from the 19th January to the 19th of March and is a group show centred and influenced by Mapplethorpe with :

MATTHEW BARNEY, TOM BURR, DAN FISCHER, NEIL GALL, PAUL LEE, GLENN LIGON, OSWALDO MACIA, JACK PIERSON, MARC SWANSON, SCOTT TRELEAVEN, BANKS VIOLETTE, AND GILLIAN WEARING.

Mapplethorpe' s work is famously erotic (especially homoerotic) but also political, creative, personal and beautiful always with a twist of the dark, the spiritual or the mysterious. A constant exploration of the beautiful, the ugly and of mortality I find Mapplethorpe's work for me almost perfection. It ticks all the boxes that appeals to human nature; the aesthetically pleasing, the shocking, the real and the raw.
The exhibition is ingeniously curated mixing the timeless with the contemporary and creating a fluid, well fitting viewing for its audience. It really is a must see and the press release is a must read! http://www.alisonjacquesgallery.com/

Robert Mapplethorpe BONDAGE 1974

Robert Mapplethorpe MILTON MOORE 1980

Oswaldo Macia EQUILIBRIUM (STILL) 2010

Robert Mapplethorpe PETER REED 1980

Robert Mapplethorpe WHITE GAUZE 1984

Scot Treleavan THE BUTTERFLY NET 2010

Synaesthesia created by Tim Holloway

Synaesthesia from Tim Holloway on Vimeo.

This is a video I performed in for my friend Tim on his project about Synaesthesia.
The light is created as a result of the movement and the sound.
Find more information on Tim's blog : http://timoholloway.wordpress.com/
It was all improvised and a very "colourful" experience.
Here are some photos:

all images taken by Clare Malseed
Sound by James Holdon