This is the moment

This is the moment when I have lost control and something needs to happen to prove destuction. It's the moment when i spnd the night time in hell becuase i want to fuck up the day; not want but it seems the only option or at least the only one I Know. This is the moment when i look at myself and want to be sick but I can't because that's the easy way out...or the hard way..anyway I want to endure the pain. It's the moment when i wish I had a magic wand and could wave back and change everything..but I knew hat I was doing at the time. It's the moment when I need to gain back control and prove that I a strong enough again. This doesn't prove my happinss it takes it away. I am what I am... and trying to be somthing else scares me. It's all happened before. I just want to be on a level. No up and down and defenately not up. It won't make me un happy perhaps but it wil change my fundamental values and I am not ready. I never wan to be ready. This is the moment when i waste a couple of days on achieveing a goal. It hasn't got hard yet. Maybe I just pretend it will.