White space (which would be the wrong description)

I am sure I have been dead before. Whether this means I have lived before I don't know? Not that I know what constitutes living?
As I get older I get more disconnected from my past. By my past I mean that time when I didn't yet exist as this body.
Saying it is a memory would be wrong. I don't know what happened. It is the ghost of a feeling you see out of the corner of your eye. Something that makes you or I feel uneasy. It is a noise I can't describe. Like "white" noise but NOT that. It doesn't exist here. So I can't explain the sound. The colour is the same. Stare at a bright light for too long and you see those circles. Circles of light but it is a colour. It isn't that. Like a glare of a glow. Blink too much and you almost see it... but you don't. Or surround yourself with snow and the sun. Any how it is a colour or a light that I can't describe but I know it and I remember it and when I go to this place I know I am living somewhere else.
It doesn't feel nice. It feels tense. Tension. I DON'T like tension.
But whatever it is. It is because it is not in the now.
I am not sure it would feel so bad if I could catch it and stay there. Maybe because it is non existence. Or as close as to that you can get. Because like I said. It is a before or after. An eternity. Not that I know that.
It is like floating through nothing. Not in a body. I can't see my body. And it is more a suspension that a feeling of movement. Or maybe moving too fast to feel it? Or feeling it a bit like when your stomach jumps in a lift. Falling. Falling. Falling.
I am more disconnected now. The day is too busy and my mind too blank or bleak. I can't quite reach my childhood.
I think I used to be able to fly. I am not joking. I just used to be able to lie back and propel myself around. Hovering above the floor always backwards. I seriously believe this and remember it. In my old house. The one I first remember.
I can't do it anymore. I don't know when I stopped . This makes me sad.