125 "It's hard to dance with the devil on your back; stuff that dreams are made of..."

Pumping ourselves full of alcohol so I can talk your shit and stand there attempting to behave like a "normal" person. You may no think it is very real but sometimes you have to put on the mask to get to the essence of what it is.  At the end of the day we are all human... all spewing and sicking up the crap that got squeezed into us in some kind of attempt to give some meaning to this social sickness. Maybe it is just a way to be human. I just want to have fun and forget about the pointlessness of it all. I can't be guilty of smiling and singing and dancing.
  If we pose for the camera. Flash my face. Flash my teeth. I'm grimacing at that little bit of ego and spitting in their faces. Fuck. I know I look good (or I feel good - for once)  and YES it is disappointing - and we wish we weren't like that - but I want people to see you here with me. Maybe. Just maybe pretending is reality and if I take it far enough I forget myself and we can just LIVE. If it all for nothing we might as well do IT ALL. you know who I am.
   Disco Balls. Disco ball. My body likes to dance and it is me when I am free.
Walking past the paparazzi. Maybe they are a "star" but today I feel more and maybe we are just young and beautiful . You mean more to me and that is what counts.
  The devil calls us in. Snaky grin in this den of antiquity. If we squint and drink all those suited booted twats disappear and it is just you and me, the gold and the dancing.
    She twisted in the sky. There visions will be gone in the morning but this is feeling. At this point in time I can do anything.
   I suck up the champagne from her mouth filling me up with light joy. I am she. Candlelight does not compare but it glows enhancing the euphoria.
   This is a game of russian roulette but tonight I am on top and the blood does not stop moving. They are watching. Everyones watching. Bare foot dancing. Stamping and Swirling. That arrow shoots right through in to my heart and I am flying. Wrapping myself around you shuddering... up to the stars?
  This is not a dream. This is what I am feeling right now. The truth. Snippets of pure sight.

Ethics in art: What it means to be a good artist? I just have to speak the truth.

What does it mean to be a "good" artist? I don't really think ethics is relevant.
If we think or believe that we are all (or should be)  morally structured and built in some pre - destined, generic and good way then to be a "good" artist can be a desire or an aim whatever "good" may mean? If we have a universal and internal demand to be "good" is this relevant to our practise? Is art part of the "ethical experience" and does this even exist? What if ones main goal is not to protect life?
   For me art can't really be given any ethical reasoning or at least any ethical responsibility. That is "my art" cannot. Art can be what it wants so there are no rules... I don't really want to protect any ethical cause or moral code with what I consider to be the most selfish part of my soul. Art can be "good" and it can "'do good" but first and foremost art just is. The art is just hanging there in space - because it's purpose is to exist  - this is not my desire to appeal to or help "the other human face" but a selfish internal drive disregarding of traditional morals or ethics. My art is born from a desire to exercise my mind, body and soul - a way to push everything out. I don't think the artist within us has a responsibility to the moral world. Wouldn't that be too pretentious?
  Yes art can focus on moral issues - we can be political, revolutionary, make a point, show a belief but art doesn't have to do any of this. And even if it tries it doesn't have to do it RIGHT. I'm pretty sure art can also be "bad" and who says it shouldn't be. Art is about a truth. The artist might disturb, be called sick, whatever... we never said we were going to do what our parents wanted. Our minds don't necessarily have to comply with what is considered humanly right. Morals are a bit stuck in the mud. Saying an artist should have an ethical responsibility could mean anything from they have to focus on recycling to spreading the "word of GOD!" Aren't we meant to be opening our minds. If i ditch convention I have to ditch ethics. Not to be evil or wrong. Just to absorb the world and learn things again. To be amoral means not to judge and we are all full of human faults. An artist doesn't have to hide them?
  Being ethical would surely mean tackling the big issues but wouldn't that make me a bit full of my own self importance. I don't even think I have a right to begin sharing things I don't fully understand. All I can project is my mind and what I see. I don't know whether that is "good".
  If "good" is a form of morality - this "goodness" cannot be responsible in the role of artist. We are not searching for completeness for the right reasons. Artists are selfish - not "bad" or "good". I make art. That is my role. . . but i could be doing something more "right!".
  All I am getting at is the truth. That is what I believe. My truth isn't necessarily yours.

THE UNICORN DREAM REVISITED

Blade runners original beautiful ending using stunning footage from THE LEGEND.

When I close my eyes
I see true beauty
My world is beyond my dreams
Somewhere out of reach
I know where I belong. 

People

Tracey Emin

Truth

"The only constant truth in our universe is change and as sombre and tragic as this may seem it is also quite beautiful..."

This exhibition saved my life (or at lease my love!)...

"Friedrich Kunath: The most beautiful WORLD in the WORLD"
at Hoxton Square (15th April - 4th June 2011) quite possible changed my life. It was another one of those moments (again) when something just clicks and what you are doing at that very time means SO much. It is beautiful. I can't say how it has saved everything but it has. Just the atmosphere?
I must say I was very impressed with the exhibition as a whole. I loved it. I am not saying I loved the art though. Yes some of it was brilliant I couldn't stop staring or listening but it isn't my normal sort of thing. I like the normal white space but it has black walls and a brown carpet? White Cube? ! No!
I just think the art is so right. So human. So touching. We love. We loose. We are alone. We see beauty. We see joy. We learn. We are alone. We remember. We forgive. .We see. We are alone. We reject. We are rejected. We see beauty. We see pain. We are alone. Solitude can be beautiful.

 I was sitting on a sofa (in the exhibition) and I started crying. At first it was pain but then I started noticing things hearing things and these beautiful words seemed to come out of nowhere. They expressed everything. I stayed sitting. ... till the exhibition closed and I was asked to leave but I left calm, happy, motivated, clear and inspired.

SUMMER IS NEARLY HERE.

Upstairs there is a boy gazing out of a window at stars. We are so small. The world is so beautiful. This exhibition was completion.

The point

I'm strugglin with the point, the purpose to it all. I need some kind of enlightenment some kind of reason otherwise everything just is nothing. I can't just live an die trying to fill my time with some kind of self fulfilling or reasuring purpose, price, gratitude or importance.
I'm painting and it is dead... I feel like I am in playschool. Art is just this human creation fulfilling some kind of blue peter importance. Artits what are artists? ... Political ? Social? ... what is the point!
Politics is just this humanistic imposed nothingness giving people importance or reason.. it fills lives with numbing substance that means nothing! Pointless wasted time to fulfill our cracking society. Society is wasted . . .
We lost track of Survival.. but then what is even the point of that. We all die in the end. We created our purpose , our need for life and we are all so fucking DESPERATE.
So we our born to spawn to keep the process gonig over again and again ..but why... why bother? What a shitty mess! ... The world's dying and all sense is gone . Just a grey mess of false hopes and expectations to keep us going!
Ijust need some kind of reason. Otherwise we are bloodless creatures mimicking some kind of ridiculous living that isn't really living but a story book.

truth

truth (trth)
n. pl. truths (trz, trths)
1. Conformity to fact or actuality.
2. A statement proven to be or accepted as true.
3. Sincerity; integrity.
4. Fidelity to an original or standard.
5.
a. Reality; actuality.
b. often Truth That which is considered to be the supreme reality and to have the ultimate meaning and value of existence.


the most important thing in the world. the building block for everything

what you have taught me... (amongst oher things)

1. to love and be loved in return
2. to be really happy
3. to really care more about someone else more than yourself
4. true beauty
5. that a smile can be the bst thin in the world
6. that i dont haveto be a stpid girl
7. to rest
8. to enjoy time
9. to not be scared
10. to never stop han fun because it is not necessary
11. that this doesn't thave to be boring
12. infinatethins about music
13. to be able to look at you in the eyes and not be scared at what you are lookin at
14. that I do things could never imagine
15. that i can do al the things I can ever imagine
17. thatboyslie to dance and dance like me
18. not to be restless
19. that i can spend timewith people
20. that you aremore important than any habit
21. that other people re ade of stardust
22. infinite thns about music
23. that I am stupid some times.. and yes it does annoy me
24. that you now so much more
25. that i don,t or you dont ever need to be someone else
26. that I don't need to beleive in orever oreverits just forever for now.. .and
it doenst make it pointless
27. that i cn spend every moment of one day thinknig about you
28. that we can do everything
29. that who cares?
30. that lying in bed for hours when awake can be the best thing ever
31. that fairytales are real.. none have a happy ending... but thats ok.. dreamer
32. conirmed my belief in fate
33..many more thins of which i don't need to write
34. that i don't need to detroy this
35. that it doesn't matter what we do
36. loose control
37. control
38. myself
39. jelousy hurts and i can be jelous
40. that i am not that bad
41. that the drums rule
42. that my heart feels like its flying
43. that i belong
44. i should really watch all the films you say
45.that sometimes i can't wtch a film to he end
46. that i like eating with you
47. that cheese isnt cheese wen it feels real
48. that my obsesson with reality and desire for fantasy is possible
49. that you make me full... of ease
50. we will do anything to prove it
51. it is still a competition
52. i love my life
53. love
54.love
55. love
... and many more (bongoes rule)



and so many more little things.. they are just feelings

Obsession

I seem to be utterly confused in what i beleive in all the time. Maybe because I believe in both, or becasuI am desperate to understand things. I just am obsessed or seem to be obsessed; everything seems two come down to these two things...

re⋅al⋅i⋅ty  /riˈælɪti/ [ree-al-i-tee]
–noun, plural -ties for 3, 5–7. 1. the state or quality of being real.
2. resemblance to what is real.
3. a real thing or fact.
4. real things, facts, or events taken as a whole; state of affairs: the reality of the business world; vacationing to escape reality.
5. Philosophy. a. something that exists independently of ideas concerning it.
b. something that exists independently of all other things and from which all other things derive.
6. something that is real.
7. something that constitutes a real or actual thing, as distinguished from something that is merely apparent.



fan·ta·sy (fnt-s, -z)
n. pl. fan·ta·sies
1. The creative imagination; unrestrained fancy. See Synonyms at imagination.
2. Something, such as an invention, that is a creation of the fancy.
3. A capricious or fantastic idea; a conceit.
4.
a. Fiction characterized by highly fanciful or supernatural elements.
b. An example of such fiction.
5. An imagined event or sequence of mental images, such as a daydream, usually fulfilling a wish or psychological need.
6. An unrealistic or improbable supposition.
7. Music See fantasia.
8. A coin issued especially by a questionable authority and not intended for use as currency.
9. Obsolete A hallucination.
tr.v. fan·ta·sied, fan·ta·sy·ing, fan·ta·sies
To imagine; visualize.

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I think the two can live hand in hand though. I'm not sure the definitions are quite correct. It's whether the fantasy is genuine, then it's a reality. It isn tmake believe anymore. Someties it's more real.